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Application Essay Writing 101

The application is a lifeless thing--a few sheets of paper and a few numbers. The essay is the best way to breathe life into it. - Admissions Officer

Welcome to EssayEdge’s Admissions Essay writing course. After editing tens of thousands of admissions essays for applicants, we created the ultimate course for students seeking an extra edge in the ultra-competitive college and graduate school application process.

Enter the course by clicking a link below or to the left.

II. Lesson One: Tackling the Question - Start Here!

EssayEdge Extra: Who's reading my essay?

A. Question-specific strategies for college, business school, law  school, and medical school application essays

B. Samples of various types of questions with comments by admissions officers

III. Lesson Two: Brainstorming and Selecting an Essay Topic

EssayEdge Extra: One essay, multiple applications

A. Brainstorming worksheet

B. Selecting a Topic: Do's and don'ts with comments by experienced admissions officers

IV. Lesson Three: Structure and Outline

A. Descriptions and examples of five popular essay structures

B. Sample outline and essay

C. Strategies and examples of short essays

D. Templates, severe writer's block cure

V. Lesson Four: Style and Tone

EssayEdge Extra: Trimming the Fat - Reducing wordiness

EssayEdge Extra: Top 10 essay cliches

A. Sentence variety with exercise

B. Word choice: Common pitfalls

C. Transitions: Improving flow

D. Verbs: Active voice vs. Passive voice

1. Active or Passive? Verb quiz

2. Making sentences active voice, an exercise

VI. Lesson Five: Introductions and Conclusions

EssayEdge Extra: No Introduction??!!

A. Descriptions, examples, and critiques of nine popular styles of introduction

B. Conclusions: Do's and don'ts

VII. Lesson Six: Editing and Revising

EssayEdge Extra: To title or not to title

A. Paying attention to substance, structure, interest, and proofreading

B. Actual essay gaffes (funny)

C. Final steps

Veritas MBA Admissions Consulting. Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application.

Essay Evaluation Service

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

 

Chapter 2: Tackling the Question

This guide is for the application essays (not the essays you will see on test day). Applications to most graduate schools require an in-depth description of why you want to study a given subject. These essays are often are given tremendous value by admissions committees.

 

Introduction

Think of the essay as the face of your application. An application without an essay is a statistic—just another faceless person in a crowd. An application with a poorly written essay does not give admissions officers the chance to care about you. Use simple psychology: make them feel that they know you, and it will be harder for them to reject you. Make them know you AND LIKE YOU, and they might accept you despite your weakness in other areas. Understanding the importance of the essay is a necessary first step toward perfecting your application. If you are normally a procrastinator, you should understand that your success depends entirely on the amount of time and effort you put into the essay writing process. If all of this has you sweating, you can relax now. Taking this process seriously is the first step. This course will help you get through the other steps. 

Admissions essay questions tend to be very broad and difficult to tackle. Yet, it is imperative that you actually answer the question in your essay. It should go without saying, but if your essay does not address the question, then everything you learn in the rest of this course is for naught.

While looking at your application, you are probably asking yourself: “Why in the world are these admissions people asking me this question?  What do they want me to write about?” While there is no one answer to either of these questions, there is some reason behind the most popular questions posed by applications.


Continue on for Question-Specific Strategies on the most common application questions and Sample Essays with comments by admissions officers.

 
 

Who’s Reading My Essay?

Contrary to popular belief, all admissions officers are not old men with bowties and English accents. In fact, the first people to read your application are often people not much older than yourself. At most colleges and universities, recent graduates of the college serve as assistants, conducting the first read on all of the essays. If they like your essay, they will pass it on to the associate directors or only read what the assistants pass along. Then, the associate directors choose which essays to pass along to the director, who makes the final decision. So essentially, the mysterious group that holds your future in its hands is composed of a few recent grads of the college, a couple of associate directors, and a director who must evaluate thousands of applications in a month or two. The moral of the story: Don’t write your essay for an old British guy. Be yourself. Write in a relaxed tone.
 

 

 

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 2: Graduate School Essay Question Help

Please select from the following common application essay question topics:
NOTE: THESE ARE UNDERGRADUATE LEVEL ESSAYS AND MAY NOT APPLY TO GRADUATE SCHOOL.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, or risk that you have taken and its impact on you.

EssayEdge says: This question is actually a combination of two common questions: Describe a significant achievement and describe a time when you grew as a person.

Accomplishment questions show the admissions committee what you value, what makes you proud and what you are capable of accomplishing. A common mistake in answering this question is repeating information that can be found elsewhere in the application. You should not try to squeeze every achievement on your resume into the essay. If you do choose to write about an accomplishment that the committee can read about somewhere else on your application, be sure to bring that experience alive by demonstrating what it took to get there and how it affected you personally. Do not be afraid to show them that you feel proud. This is not the place for modesty. However do not fall to the other extreme either-you can toot your own horn, but do it without being snotty. You will not have to worry about either extreme if you spend the bulk of your essay simply telling the story.

If you feel like you have not done anything worth focusing on, then remind yourself that the best essays are often about modest accomplishments. It does not matter what you have accomplished as long as it was personally meaningful and you can make it come alive. Unless specified, the accomplishment can be professional, personal, or academic. Did you get a compliment from a notoriously tough boss? Did you lose the race but beat your own best time? Did you work around the clock to bring your C in physics up to an A. Do not think about what they want to hear-think about what has really made you proud.

For the second part of the question, they are asking you to open up about who you really are. Although you do want to show that you have matured, do not overplay what a terrible person you once were just to make the point of what a great person you are now. No one changes that much. Besides, the “before” portrait might be the one that sticks in the admissions officer’s head. Also, focus on your current personality rather than on the “old you” or on every last detail of the event. The reader wants to know what you are like now, not what you were like a long time ago. Finally, describe real events and scenarios to prove that your growth resulted from the decisions you made and actions you took. Significant events and people can serve as inspiration. Real change, though, always results from the work, effort, and initiative you have put into yourself. Take some credit.

For examples of and short critiques for the Influential Achievement Essay, click here.


Discuss some issue of personal, local, national or international concern and its importance to you.

EssayEdge says: This question is among the hardest to answer. Even here you need to stay personal. If a cause is important to you or you have a strong opinion about it, relate it back to your life. What about you, your experiences, or your upbringing has made this issue resonate for you? Why do you care? Does the issue affect you personally in any way? Be sure to write about both sides of the issues to show that you can think objectively and logically. Showing that you are passionate is great; showing that you are one-sided or bull-headed is not. Finally, be sure to refrain from making sweeping generalizations about issues that would be out of your range of experience.

For examples of and short critiques for the Social/Political Concern Essay.

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Indicate a person, character in fiction, an historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, etc.) who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

EssayEdge says: This type of question attempts to learn more about you through the forces that have shaped you. Many students make the mistake of believing that this is an essay about a person. They go on at length, describing the influential person in detail without making a connection between it and themselves. The school doesn’t care about your uncle, or some fictional heroine. They care about you. What about that person made an impression on you and how. What action did you take to turn this impression into personal development and change?

Colleges learn a lot about your values and standards through your description of your mentors. It is like getting to know a person by the people he chooses to hang out with. If you are skeptical, consider the different impression you would have of the candidate who admires a dynamic, colorful athlete compared to someone who looks up to an accomplished but soft-spoken academic. Neither is better nor worse-just different.

There are no wrong answers here. Far more important than whom you choose, though, is how you portray that person. In other words, do not choose someone because you think it will impress the committee. Name-dropping is not only very obvious, it is very ineffective. Heed this one word of caution, though. Applicants very commonly pick one of their parents. Describing your father gives you the advantage of knowing your subject well, however, it also means doing some extra work to make your essay stand out from the crowd.

For examples of and short critiques for the Influential Person Essay, click here.

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Why do you want to spend two to six years of your life at a particular college, graduate school, or professional school? How is the degree necessary to the fulfillment of your goals?

EssayEdge says: Knowing the schools to which you apply is an essential step in answering any essay, but questions such as these ask you to write about them directly. In answering these questions, mention specific factors that tie in with your area of interest. Doing this will help you to avoid the insincere, ingratiating tone that is a danger in this type of essay. Each point will be honest and well supported, thereby lending credibility to the essay and, in turn, to you.

Another challenge is finding a balanced yet truthful tone. Do not be cocky or self-effacing. Show a solid, well-researched knowledge of the school. Be honest and be thorough.

For examples of and short critiques for the Future Goals Essay, click here.

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Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 2: Business School Essay Question Help

Please select from the following common MBA question topics:


Veritas MBA Admissions Consulting. Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application.

Why M.B.A.? Questions

Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Please describe your professional goals for the future. How will the M.B.A. experience influence your ability to achieve your goals? (Wharton)

Discuss your career progression to date. Why do you want an M.B.A.? How do you envision your career progressing after receiving the M.B.A.? (Tuck)

Specifically address your post-M.B.A. short- and long-term professional goals. How will Darden assist you in attaining these goals?

Briefly assess your career progress to date. Elaborate on your future career plans and your motivation for pursuing a graduate degree at Kellogg.

What are your post-M.B.A. career plans? (Harvard)

This is the most common type of essay question, asked on virtually every business school application. This question asks you to present, clearly and coherently, your all too familiar reasons for wanting an M.B.A. The questions usually consist of a few distinct parts. Most will ask about your past (How has your career progressed to date? What has motivated you thus far?), your future (How do you envision your career progressing? What are your goals for the future?), or both. All of them expect you to relate the information to your present desire to attain an M.B.A.

Since this is usually the first question asked, this essay will be the first one the officers see when they get your file. Let it create your first impression. It is similar to the moment in an interview when you shake the interviewer’s hand and smile. Similarly, your first essay needs to be confident, direct, and to the point. The admissions committee uses this question to ascertain your motivation, maturity, and focus. While undergraduate application essays are understandably fuzzy about career choices and goals, graduate essays should, in contrast, be crystal clear. If you have vague reasons for pursuing an M.B.A., you need to reconsider your decision to apply. Giving a vague response to this question is akin to having a weak handshake and not looking the interviewer in the eye.

You must accomplish a lot in this essay, so pay special attention to structure. You can tackle the question by dividing your answer into three separate pieces. The first can be about your past professional experience. The second can discuss your future career goals. The third can be about the school’s particular program. At each step, demonstrate why and how these experiences, goals, or attributes motivate you to get your M.B.A.

Limiting yourself to one career goal is best, if it is general. If you have a couple of different jobs in mind, that is all right, too. However, your reasons for them should be easily inferred or specifically stated. If you are truly unsure of what your goals are (and we cannot talk you out of applying) always admit so honestly rather than make up something. At the very least, though, give credible reasons for your indecision, and explain why you believe that this school’s program will help you overcome your ambivalence.

Even if the question does not specifically ask for it, articulate why the particular program makes sense for you given your unique professional and personal goals. To do this well, you must spend the necessary time in introspection and also research the school. When you understand the school’s program and positioning, use what you have uncovered only if you can apply it to yourself. Do not write what you think they want to hear. Admissions officers can spot this kind of insincerity from a mile away. They also seek a heterogeneous mix of backgrounds and experiences. Therefore, trying to fashion yourself after your conception of a typical applicant can hurt you even if you do it well. The truer you are to your real motivations and desires, the better your essay will be.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Please describe your professional goals for the future. How will the M.B.A. experience influence your ability to achieve your goals? (Wharton)

“Stop foolin’ around, old boy. How would an M.B.A. help you? Better get on with your career.” That’s what they say. Friends, colleagues, others.

I ‘ve heard it all before. “If I were you, I would not do it. Don’t waste your time, get ahead with your studies as quickly as possible”, my professor for experimental physics told me. That was back in ’88, and of course he was not talking about my M.B.A., but about my intention to go to China: Take a special scholarship and go-for a year, to study Chinese, and physics, in China. Get in line, professor. He was just one of many who did not approve of my idea.

But for me, my plan clearly was: A chance, a challenge, and a choice. A chance to open my intellectual door to the world Europeans consider the (psychologically) most distant one from Western culture, and to broaden my view well beyond the usual. A challenge to learn a language Westerners see as one of the most difficult in a compressed timeframe and to adapt to a completely unfamiliar environment-while not letting this impact my overall physics studies timeline. A choice to diverge from the mainstream path to exclusive specialization in a single intellectual realm, not just on a spare time basis-but with serious commitment.

Looking back after seven years, I could not feel more assured that at that time, I made the right choice. My unusual combination of experiences sets me worlds apart from my physics-only ex-fellow students. Working for (Big Consulting Company), (so far) exclusively on international assignments in high tech industries, is the kind of job I had envisioned at that time. I could not have come here without that choice I made back then.

Now I am-on a higher playing field, though-back to square one: Once again, about to make an academic detour form the prescribed path. An unnecessary delay for my career progression.

But stop! Is that at all true? Getting an M.B.A. makes perfect sense for a consultant-after all, most consultants are M.B.A.s. Getting an M.B.A. makes even more sense in my particular case: it is the perfect academic supplement to my physics background-the one I need to become a leading edge high tech consultant. Detailed technology understanding plus profound business and group skills, that is a rare combination which really gets the career rocket roaring. This is certainly true for me, and I think that this is one of my most important and convincing reasons for an M.B.A.

Having spent considerable time and energy studying Chinese and traveling in Asia (and the rest of the world), an exclusively German career certainly is the opposite of what I am interested in. No cozy, warm place in an easy, totally predictable environment. Guaranteed career progression when the guy above me retires. Getting a dog at 35 and the BMW and house that go with it. No thanks.

So what is it I am interested in? I want to be where the guerilla wars of business are fought (the shoestring traveller resurfaces). Where global language and intercultural/personal skills make the difference. Where intelligence translates into quantum leaps (courtesy of the physicist). This is where I can make my best contribution. In short, I want to be where the action and the challenges are.

For the late 20th and early 21st century, this means, in terms of topic, clearly one industry: High Tech (just watch the stock market). I am well equipped for this with my physics background. In terms of region, it clearly means Asia. Through language study and travel exposure, I have come a long way in getting myself prepared. In terms of function, it clearly means strategy consulting. If there is any place better for this than (Big Consulting Company), please let me know.

Thus the reasons why I want to go back to university and do a dual degree in business and East Asian studies are: Get myself a thorough business background to put all the pieces of case experience I have accumulated during my (Big Consulting Company), life in their right places and understand their context. Do the same with all my pieces of Asian studies and travel experiences. Get ready for the real action I want to be a part and a driver of-and satisfy academic ambitions lurking beneath the surface of the “hands-on” consultant.

The knowledge I will gain should help facilitate a career change. After extensive work in European High Tech industry, I want to transfer to Asia. Completion of my desired academic program should give me perfect preparation, some initial contacts, and, through a summer internship in Asia, a clear idea of what to expect from working there (in contrast to studying and traveling).

Of at least equal importance, the Lauder/Wharton dual degree program will also give me a clear view on all the options that I have with my very special combination of skills. While I currently cannot imagine going anywhere else but to one of the Asian offices of (Big Consulting Company), after my graduation, I am also realistic enough to understand that there certainly is a number of other opportunities out there which I would be attracted to, but just know nothing about at this time. I am a firm believer in having many options and in exploring quite a few in detail-whatever position you’re in, there may always be one which is an even better fit with your ambitions and capabilities.

I think it is obvious why I apply to the Wharton School. Among all the leading business schools, Lauder/Wharton is one of the very few offering a serious joint-degree program that makes sense. With its strong international orientation, Lauder/Wharton offers the type of courses I am looking for. With my diverse set of unusual ideas, experiences and capabilities, I would make a most valuable and colorful addition to the student body of Wharton.

So what are my concrete plans for the time after my graduation? Where in Asia can I be a driver the way described above? One extremely attractive option for me would be helping to set up the (Big Consulting Company), office in (Asian Capital). Or one in (Other Asian Capital). Or in Saigon (Cantonese and Vietnamese are no more different than Swedish and German). But frankly, these are just a few options I can pinpoint now-and I am sure that many more will become apparent during my Wharton experience.

After all, my desire to come to Wharton is just another manifestation of the characteristics that made me go to China a couple of years ago: Take the chance to widen your scope. Accept the challenge that goes with replacing narrow security by broad uncertainty. Make the choice to put all your effort into fully developing and playing out your talents.

So I am not going to take my friends’ advice. They have their dogs already, and the BMW is ordered. Sorry-I am not ready for that.

COMMENTS:

The writer of this essay begins painting a picture of himself by discussing his trip to China. The fact that he took the trip instead of heeding all the advice others gave him shows determination, maturity, and character without him ever having to say the words. He clearly demonstrates why an M.B.A. makes sense for him generally (as a consultant) and specifically (to supplement his technical background). He pointedly bucks the usual stereotype of, “Getting a dog at 35 and the BMW and house that go with it.” Instead, the essayist makes his reasons personal and unique by relating them directly to his professional goal of high-tech consulting in Asia. He then spends a paragraph specifically addressing the Wharton program. To demonstrate the sincerity and focused nature of his goals further, he lists a few very specific options that will be available to him once he graduates.

Certainly, his background and experience make him unusual. However, his style makes him stand out. The essayist consistently uses questions to transition to each new point without being distracting. He begins with a question. “Stop foolin’ around, old boy. How would an M.B.A. help you?” Then he carries the theme throughout, “But stop! Is this all true?” and “So what is it I am interested in?” Finally, he writes, “So what are my concrete plans for the time after my graduation? Where in Asia can I be a driver the way described above?” To every question he asks he gives a succinct and pointed answer. He concludes by subtly reiterating his main points of chance, challenge, and choice. His last sentence adds the final stylistic touch by referring back to the question posed in the first sentence. In doing this, he effectively nails down the impression we have formed about his character-without him ever having to espouse his own virtues directly.

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Contribution and Diversity Questions

Your background, experiences, and values will enhance and diversify Kellogg. How? (1-2 double-spaced pages)

The Darden School seeks a diverse and unique entering class of future managers. How will your distinctiveness enrich our learning environment and enhance your prospects for success as a manager?

Every essay question on the admissions application is geared toward the same thing. Committee members want to find out who you are, what makes you different from everyone else, and how you will contribute to the school if accepted. This question asks these things outright. Because it asks so directly what the admissions committee wants to know, this is one of the most common questions you will find. The question has a structure similar to the Why M.B.A.? question. It asks both Why us? and Why you? However, the nature of this question lends itself to a more personal response. Whereas the Why M.B.A.? question asks what you have done, what you want to do, and how that relates to the school, this question asks about who you are and how it relates to the school. The Why M.B.A.? question asks about your experiences, and this question asks about your qualities.

Just as you brainstormed about your experiences, actions, and goals for the first question, brainstorm about your qualities and characteristics for this one. What sets you apart from everyone else? What words do friends and family use to describe you? For some people, the focus of this question will come easily. A minority can choose to focus on their racial or ethnic differences. A person with an unusual professional background may use this question to turn this potential weakness into a strength. Anyone with a particular talent or calling, such as an athlete or a musician, can use that as a topic. Less obvious characteristics can work just as well. Are you one of those people who are forever getting tagged with an identity? Do people say, “You know Chuck, the funny one,” or “There’s Jane, the history buff.”

If you consider yourself to be a fairly typical candidate with a broad range of interests, you may feel nervous about not being able to identify yourself with any one particular activity or defining trait. You should not be worried. Listing the combination of qualities that make you unique is perfectly acceptable. None of your qualities has to be particularly unique by itself-whatever is real and true will work perfectly. What words do people use to describe you? Are you a risk taker? An academic? A leader? Unusually goal oriented? Dedicated? Ethical? A good team player?

The qualities you choose to describe are not nearly as important as how well you back them up. Because this answer tends to contain many adjectives, you absolutely must provide solid examples demonstrating each quality you have listed. You can take examples from either your work or your personal life. You can even be creative and take an example from your childhood, if you wish, as long as whatever you choose effectively proves that you are what you say you are.

Because this question asks “How will you contribute to our school?” it provides you with a perfect opportunity to prove that you have researched and targeted yourself to the particular school. Match your distinctiveness in whatever way is natural to the distinctiveness of the program. Show the admissions committee that you are not just perfect for business school in general, you are perfect for their business school.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Your background, experiences, and values will enhance the diversity of Kellogg’s student body. How?

During my senior year in college, my father was diagnosed with terminal skin cancer. Like most cancer patients, he spent the majority of his time in the hospital; he often spoke of how nice the staff was, and how much his stay was enriched by the services offered by the volunteers. I felt a great debt to those people who helped my father and mother during that difficult time, and I wanted to do the same for other people in similar situations.

When I moved to New York after graduation, I decided to volunteer at the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Hospital until I found a job. Over the next few months, I worked thirty hours a week helping patients and their families. One of the most rewarding experiences at the hospital was organizing patient voting for the 1992 Presidential election. I was responsible for coordinating the procurement and distribution of absentee ballots with nurses, patients, hospital staff, and the various voting administrations within the five boroughs of New York City.

The response was overwhelming. The patients were overjoyed to be included in the voting process. I knew from my father that the most demoralizing circumstance of a prolonged hospital stay was the feeling that the world was passing you by. On that November day, however, I was able to help those patients feel like part of society again. I will always be grateful for that.

Once I found a job, I had to curtail my hours at the hospital, but I did not stop my volunteer work. And although my job prohibits me from volunteering as much as I’d like, I still try to find the time. My volunteer work has allowed me to help others cope with the terrible pain of illness, which I have experienced first-hand and through my family. The satisfaction that I gain when I help patients and their families is unlike any other feeling I have ever had in my life.

I’ve found that my work also helps me to deal with and accept the loss of my own father. If it were not for him, I never would have started volunteering. The good work I do is a constant tribute to his memory.

As an individual, I have learned the benefits of altruism, and I firmly believe that companies should also take an active role in philanthropy. I was pleased to see in the admissions brochure that other Kellogg students feel the same, as demonstrated by their Business with a Heart program. I know that my unique perspective and experiences would contribute to this group, and enable me to enrich the lives of the community as well as those of my fellow students.

COMMENTS:

This essayist is a good example of someone who chose to focus on one trait rather than several. By choosing only one quality, her essay is concise, to the point, and easy to read. She also leaves a strong impression by introducing only one theme. This essay is particularly strong because the writer does not simply label herself as a volunteer and leave it at that. She makes the topic personal. First, she walks us through her motivation, then through the experience itself, and finally through how it has affected her and made her different. She gives details to bring each of these steps alive but manages to do so in a very short amount of space. She even specifically details how this experience will help her contribute by listing the name of the program she has targeted.

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Accomplishment Questions

Describe the two accomplishments that occurred in the last five years of which you are most proud. (Columbia)

Describe your three most substantial accomplishments, and explain why you view them as such. (Harvard)

Describe your achievements within the last five years that are good indicators of your potential for a successful management career and why you view them as such. (Michigan)

What is your most valued accomplishment? Why? (Kellogg)

Your answer to this question will say a lot more about you than simply what you have accomplished. It will show the committee what you value, what makes you proud, and what you are capable of accomplishing. Applicants make a common mistake when answering this question-they repeat information found elsewhere in the application. A good student, for example, will be tempted to fall back on stressing his or her high G.P.A. or G.M.A.T. score. A person who has won a number of awards or acknowledgments will try to include all of them and end up turning their essay into little more than a prose list. Many of the questions specify that you choose one, two, or three specific accomplishments as a way of avoiding this kind of response.

If you do choose an accomplishment that the committee is already aware of-such as your induction into Phi Beta Kappa or a promotion that appears on your resume-then bring the experience alive. Demonstrate what it took to get there and how it affected you personally. Do not be afraid to show committee members that you are proud. This is not the place for modesty. However, do not fall to the other extreme either-you can toot your own horn, but do it without being didactic or preachy. You will not have to worry about either extreme if you keep your essay short and to the point. Spend the bulk of your essay simply telling the story.

If you are having trouble choosing something to focus on, then remember that the best essays are often about modest accomplishments. What you accomplished does not matter as long as you found it personally meaningful and can make it come alive. Unless specified, the accomplishment can be professional, personal, or academic. Did you get a compliment from a notoriously tight-lipped, hard-driving manager? Did you lose the race but beat your own best time? As an English major, did you work around the clock to bring a C in physics up to an A? Do not think about what they want to hear-think about what has really made you proud.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Describe the two accomplishments that occurred in the last five years of which you are most proud. (Columbia)

Strategic Advisory for American Savings Bank

In January 1994, my group was engaged by Robert Bass’ Keystone Partners to evaluate their investment in California company, the culminating point of a five-year banking relationship. Keystone Partner however, engaged Goldman Sachs as co-advisor, thereby infuriating the Lehman team. We swore to keep control of the valuation process by solely handling the modeling work including complex simulations and projections, which I was solely responsible for. I quickly drafted a couple of pages that I distributed to both teams. Overnight, the Goldman team reproduced them line by line and sent them directly to the client as their work. It was a great strike against our team. I decided to design a completely different model, and to draw upon the information that I could gather from a long and fruitful client relationship with Lehman Brothers. I convinced the senior vice president, vice president and associate who had covered the company for years to pass on their knowledge, persuaded them to be available for 36 hours straight to answer all my questions, and for four more hours to be trained by me on the model. I designed a 23 page model, stuffed with information, that we presented to the 42 person working team, gathered at our request. The presentation, led by myself for technical explanations and the senior vice president for strategic conclusions, was a great success. The Goldman Senior Partner, recognizing the “excellency” of our model, proposed that I remain in charge of “all the number”.

I value this experience because I gained respect from the senior executives at all three firms. But most of all, although one of the most junior banker, I was able to inspire a cohesive spirit to our team in pursuing our goal to produce a high quality presentation.

Learning to Surf

My move to Los Angeles in August 1992 represented not only a great professional challenge-to work with only two senior bankers and cover all California financial institutions-but also a personal opportunity, a chance to broaden my horizons. I grew up in Paris and lived in the capital for 21 years before moving to New York; I definitely was a city girl! Los Angeles demanded however that I adapted to a whole different world, where sport rather than opera rhythms the season. I knew that my first year in the Los Angeles office would be extremely busy due to the small size of my group. In fact I averaged 90 hours of work per week that year. To keep my sanity and maintain a good spirit, I resolved to try and learn a sport that had always fascinated me: surfing. Thus I bought a brand new wetsuit and longboard and started the experience bright and early on a sunny Saturday afternoon under the merciless scrutiny of the local surfers, all males, who did not hide their contempt for my pale skin and weak arms so typical of investment banking Corporate Analysts. Surfing seemed at first an impossible mission: my board always mysteriously rebounded on my head, while the waves would break exactly where I was paddling. At work, there was an explosion of laughter when I proudly exposed my (only) personal project: why, a twenty-six year old Parisian, surfing? This had to be French humor! I resolved however to practice every week-end before coming into the office. Last summer, I finally stood up on my board and rode the wave to the beach. It was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life and although I still surf regularly, nothing matches my first wave nor the pride that I felt. Because I received little help and encouragement but prevailed, I cherish this experience which was actually a tremendous confidence builder.

COMMENTS:

The writer demonstrates a nice balance between her professional and her personal achievements. Her first accomplishment shows the essayist to be a savvy business professional and highlights her good political sense, dedication, and technical skill. The second accomplishment rounds out the image by painting a picture of a young, healthy, active woman willing to take risks and learn new skills at the expense of laughter and embarrassment. The latter may have been a personal achievement, but these translate into very lucrative professional skills as well.

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Leadership Ability Questions

Describe a situation that tested your leadership skills. How did you manage the situation? (Harvard)

Discuss two situations in the past four years where you have taken an active leadership role. How do these events demonstrate your managerial potential? (Anderson)

This question is similar to the accomplishment question. You can employ similar tactics to answer it. Choose situations that are real and meaningful to you, not what you think will impress the committee the most. Do not limit yourself to using situations from only your career, especially if the question asks you to give more than one example.

This question shares common ground, surprisingly, with the ethical dilemma question because ethical dilemmas often call on leadership abilities for resolution. Keep this in the back of your mind so you can strategize if one of your applications asks both questions. On the other hand, be careful not to bring unnecessary attention to questionable situations when not absolutely necessary. Ethical dilemma questions are notoriously difficult, this question does not have to be.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Discuss two situations in the past four years where you have taken an active leadership role. How do these events demonstrate your managerial potential? (Anderson)

Wellwork Action Team

After working nearly a year as a production engineer, one morning I experienced a kind of epiphany. I realized that our profit center had effectively gained manpower and resources in the form of increased attention from vendors with whom we had recently formed strategic alliances. By improving communication between these vendors as well as between our profit center and these companies, I envisioned a unified approach that could improve and expedite our production operations. With the encouragement of the operations superintendent, I arranged a brainstorming session for supervisory level personnel from our operations staff and our new alliance partner’s companies. From that session, a “Wellwork Action Team” was created with the specific purpose of improving and streamlining our operations procedures in order to reduce the cost of increase the quality of our projects in the field.

After being chosen facilitator for our Wellwork Action Team, I set for myself two personal goals: first, to maintain enthusiasm among team members and second, to implement the ideas and concepts brought forth by our team into our everyday procedures. To ensure continued involvement, I first convinced myself that the potential benefits that might be gained from having this team merited the time and energy of its participants. Next, I personally committed myself to the project and firmly discussed my commitment with each of team members. Third, I led the team in drafting a mission statement and clearly defining our goals. We identified measurements by which we could evaluate our progress. Finally, I promised the team members that we would keep meetings to a minimum and re-evaluate the usefulness of our team in eight weeks.

From June 1995 to the present, our Wellwork Action Team has successfully increased efficiency in our oil pumps, reduced electrical costs by 6 percent, and nearly doubled the production of three oil wells. As our team continues to evolve, we envision reducing our wellwork budget from $5.0 million/year in 1995 to $4.6 million/year in 1996 while maintaining oil production and reducing operating expenses. Our current challenges include overcoming conflicts in the schedules of our team members and providing for long-term oil recovery as well as short-term cost reduction.

Applying New Technologies

When most people envision an oil well, they picture ten-foot-high rod pumping units, the kind common to Los Angeles and West Texas because of their durability, availability, and efficiency. With 300 wells on a mere 10 acre island, however, these units are impractical for our use; a less efficient, higher cost and lower-profile type of centrifugal pump is employed by our company. Recently, a small L.A. firm invented a new method of using common rod-type pumps without the bulky surface equipment. This marriage of new technology with old rod-style pumping appeared to have significant potential for reducing costs on our island. Although I do not normally design our pumping equipment, I assumed active project leadership when deciding to install the first unit and apply the new technology.

Because our operations personnel and vendor partners were unaccustomed to handling hundreds of 30-foot long rods and putting them into use, I met with the inventor of the new subsurface equipment and two related vendors who would supply the rods. Rather than provide specifications to each vendor for a bid as is customary, I chose one vendor from the onset and entrusted him with the project. I assigned him to work with the inventor of the new equipment and asked them to together devise a low cost, high quality engineering design for us. In doing so, the possibility existed for them to overdesign and overprice the equipment, reducing efficiency and thus defeating our purpose. Nevertheless, a tremendous upside potential existed in allowing the vendors to harmonize their efforts and experience. I hoped to receive a superior product born from the sweat equity of their two companies.

My strategy was tested in November 1994 when two units were installed. They have operated without failure since installation and have reduced operating costs by 38 percent on those wells. In this instance, my management challenge was to delegate non-traditional responsibilities to our vendors. I feel that this experience has improved our business process and taken us further down the path towards mutually beneficial business relationships with our vendors. I will continue to work in this manner, keeping a careful eye out for the abuse potential created when allowing a vendor to design and price their own equipment for our applications.

COMMENTS:

These two examples have several positive qualities. First, they are concise and well structured. Second, although both situations come from the professional sphere, they balance well with each other. One focuses more on office policy and stresses the applicant’s ability to see the big picture in management. The other deals with an in-the-field hands-on engineering solution and stresses his inventiveness, attention to detail, and technological skills. Third, these examples stress unique background-not many business school applicants would understand how to design oil-pumping equipment. They show that he is not afraid to get his hands dirty. Finally, the essayist gives very detailed proof of tangible results.

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Hobby and Extracurricular Questions

What one nonprofessional activity do you find most inspirational and why? (Wharton)

For fun I . . . (Kellogg)

Outside of work, I most enjoy . . .

What interests do you have outside your job and school? (Tuck)

This question offers a prime opportunity to differentiate yourself by presenting a vivid description of your life outside of work. Business schools are interested in balanced, likable applicants. Your professional life is only part of an interrelated whole. Business schools expect you to demonstrate the same level of dedication and passion in outside activities as you do in business. They are also well aware that many of the best business-related ideas occur when people are not at work, so what you do out of the office has a measurable impact on what you can do on the job. Besides, funny, offbeat, interesting people make work, school, and essays more exciting. Communicate feelings of passion, commitment, and devotion. Wherever possible, demonstrate the leadership abilities you have developed in these activities.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

What one nonprofessional activity do you find most inspirational and why? (Wharton)

A little over two years ago I began tutoring high school students in several types of mathematics, including preparation for the S.A.T. Test. While I did this initially to earn money, I have continued to tutor (often pro bono) because I enjoy the material and the contact with the students.

I have always enjoyed math tremendously. I can remember riding in a car for long distances as a child and continuously calculating average speeds and percentages of distances covered as we traveled. In college I took upper division math classes such as Real Analysis and Game Theory (and placed near the top of the curve) though they were not required for my major. All this time spent playing with math has left me with a deep understanding of the way numbers work and the many ways in which problems can be solved.

When I first began tutoring I was stunned to find that most of the kids I worked with, although very bright, not only lacked the ability to solve complex problems, they were very uncomfortable with some of the basic principles of math. This discomfort led to fear and avoidance, and the avoidance led to more discomfort. A vicious cycle began. Instead of seeing math as a beautiful system in which arithmetic, algebra and geometry all worked together to allow one to solve problems, they saw it as a bunch of jumbled rules which made little sense that they were forced to memorize.

As a tutor, I found that it was important when starting with a new student to find out where his/her discomfort with math began. Often, this meant going back several years in their education to explain important basic concepts. For some students, fractions and decimals were the point at which math stopped making sense. For many others, it was the introduction of letters to represent numbers in algebra. Some students found that identifying their weaknesses was an embarrassing process. I explained to them that it was not their fault. Everyone comes to understand new concepts in math in a slightly different way, and the problem was that no teacher had taken the time to explain their “problem area” in a way which would make sense to them. Since math was a system, once they missed out on that one building block, it was not surprising that the rest of it did not make sense. Our mission together would be to find the way in which the system worked for them.

Once we had identified the initial “problem area,” I would spend a lot of time getting the student to play with questions in that area from a lot of different perspectives. For example, if fractions were the problem, then I would create games to get the student to think of fractions in terms of division, ratios, decimals or other equivalent systems. This would often be a fairly unstructured process, as I wanted to see how the student’s mind worked and keep them from feeling any anxiety. Usually it did not take long for the concepts to start becoming clear to the student, as he/she played with the numbers in the absence of the pressure of school. My goal was to not just white wash over a students weaknesses with a few rules which would be quickly forgotten, but to help them develop an understanding and an appreciation for the underlying principles.

I found this process to be very satisfying for both myself and the young men and women that I taught. It was a wonderful feeling to have a student laugh out loud with relief as a principle which had been unclear and causing anxiety for years suddenly made sense. Once these old “problem areas” were cleared up it was usually quite simple to make clear the subjects that they were working on at the time, especially since I already had an understanding of how they were best able to understand new concepts. Again, I found it important to get the student to play with the new material and look at it in several ways so as to develop a true understanding of the material.

I was quite successful as a tutor. One young man increased his Math S.A.T. by 150 points. Another student improved so dramatically in geometry, her test scores jumped from about 55 percent to over 90 percent, that her teacher kept her after class and asked if she was cheating. Although most of my students did not improve this dramatically, I walked away from every lesson that I gave feeling that I had helped someone understand and enjoy math. I hope to be able to continue teaching, if only for a few hours a week, for the rest of my life.

COMMENTS:

This essay shows that this applicant is dedicated not just to helping people, but to academics, learning, and math. His tutoring does not make us believe his sincerity; the thoughtfulness and detail with which he describes it do. He has put obvious time into developing an effective method of teaching. The writer shows that he is result-oriented by measuring his success in terms of real numbers and percentage increases. Someone who applies such standards of accountability to his extracurricular life is sure to bring the same standards to school and business.

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Role Model Questions

Describe the individuals that you look up to as role models in your professional work. (Michigan)

Describe the characteristics of an exceptional manager by examining someone whom you have observed or with whom you have worked. Illustrate how his or her management style has influenced you. (Tuck)

If you could walk in someone else’s shoes for a day, whose would you choose and why? (Chicago)

Business schools learn a lot about your professional development through your description of your mentors. They can determine not only what you have learned but the types of people from whom you have learned. However, like the accomplishments question, this question shows a lot about your values and standards. It is a little like getting to know a person by the people with whom he or she chooses to spend time. If you are skeptical, consider the different impression you would have of the candidate who admires a dynamic, colorful, public leader compared with someone who looks up to an accomplished but soft-spoken academic.

Who you chose is more important than how you portray that person. In other words, do not choose a person because you think it will impress the committee. Name dropping is not only obvious, it is ineffective. If your mentor is a public figure, be sure to demonstrate that you have a real, direct relationship with and that you learned tangible lessons from the person. Keep your essay short and simple. Never elevate your mentor at the expense of yourself. Show admiration, not awe. In other words, choose a mentor, not a hero. A mentor is someone whom you realistically aspire to emulate, whereas a hero’s qualities are beyond our reach.

If the question calls for more than one mentor, try comparing two very different people or people from two unrelated areas of your life. Show how you incorporated the best pieces of wisdom from both. As always, use concrete examples both when describing these people and when demonstrating the effect they have had on you. Do more than list their qualities-tell a story that shows how they have put these qualities to use.

You can follow these steps to structure this essay:

1. Introduce the person and the context in which you know him or her.

2. Describe a few of the mentor’s key qualities that you most admire.

3. Relate one or two particular scenarios that demonstrate these qualities.

4. Describe what you have learned from the person. What do you now do differently as a result of having known your mentor? How have you or your actions changed?

5. Be concrete. Cite specific examples of things that you have learned. Describe the situations in which you learned these things. Show how you have used this knowledge to your professional advantage.

A variation on the question is, “If you could walk in someone else’s shoes for a day . . . .” This is a cross between an ideal career question and a role model question. Whereas the other role model questions ask for mentors, this question asks for heroes. You do not need to make your response as realistic-feel free to loosen up and have fun. However, always consider what committee members will infer from your choice. Answer this question more concisely than you would the role model one. Simply state who you would choose and answer why. Did you choose this person because he or she is similar or dissimilar to you? Did you do choose your mentor for what you can learn from that person or to effect a change? Would you ever seriously consider this person’s life as a career, or are you just having fun?

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Describe the characteristics of an exceptional manager by examining someone whom you have observed or with whom you have worked. Illustrate how his or her management style has influenced you. (Tuck)

In management consulting, strong analytical skills are valued as much as, if not more than, effective managerial and leadership skills. Unfortunately, for some consultants, these characteristics, at times, are mutually exclusive. I was fortunate, however, to work with [name] on my first major project at [consulting firm]. As my project manager, he demonstrated a superior combination of leadership, managerial, and communication skills. As a result of our interaction, I learned several important lessons and tools that I used on subsequent projects to improve my effectiveness as a team leader.

To begin, [name] is a true leader who exhibits courage and dedication. A powerful trait rarely found in the realm of business, courage is unique in its ability to unify and motivate people. Moreover, his courage is balanced appropriately with professionalism, strong values, and humility. He is sensitive to others’ feelings and recognizes that different people require different types of direction and treatment. Although he often works with diverse and difficult groups, he always seems able to reach consensus and create a shared vision and purpose. Furthermore, he excels at establishing priorities and proactively setting direction.

As an effective manager, [name] also is able to translate his broad direction into discrete, tangible tasks. Since consultants often use difficult or creative analytical approaches, clearly articulating tasks and defining outputs is very important. In addition, he exercises the appropriate level of supervision. Rather than micro-managing his team members, [name] establishes clear accountabilities and expectations and pushes work down to the correct level. As a result, he creates a strong sense of ownership and leverages the skills of his team members. Furthermore, he excels at creating a supportive environment and, when necessary, coaching team members to help them develop new skills.

Finally, [name] is a masterful communicator. He is the only project manager I have had who gave me consistent and constructive feedback, importantly, both positive and negative. Such feedback not only provides clear developmental objectives, but also signals to others that he values their contributions. This type of balanced and open communication quickly forms the foundation of mutual trust and respect. Furthermore, [name] excels in the art of negotiation and debate. He states his points with remarkable precision and is expert at remaining objective and recognizing all sides of an argument. And, regardless of the volatility of a situation or the strength of his feelings, he always listens to all positions patiently and effectively controls his demonstration of emotion, thereby gaining the respect of others and lending additional credibility to his positions.

Given my limited experience managing teams, my exposure to [name] was central to my early success at [consulting firm]. For example, although I had considered myself a leader in athletics, I had not learned to translate those skills into the business arena. [Name] taught me several effective methods to lead teams. Admittedly, as a highly motivated young analyst with very high work standards, I also lacked many of the skills required for effective team leadership. However, I quickly learned the importance of flexibility and became more comfortable providing feedback and directing the work of others. Furthermore, through his example, [name] taught me the importance of objectivity and the utility of several effective communication techniques. For example, I learned to use my sense of humor as an effective tool to persuade, disarm, or motivate others.

Early in my career at [consulting firm], I had several rare opportunities to lead client teams. In part due to the lessons I learned from [name], these projects were a great success. As a result, I went on to manage a half dozen diverse and difficult client teams that ranged in membership. With each project, I further refined the lessons I learned from [name] and developed new techniques for leading and managing teams. Due to my rapid development, I was promoted to [position], a managerial, post-M.B.A. position at [consulting firm], signifying that I can progress to the partner level. Although I realize my tool kit is far from complete, these skills will be invaluable both in business school and beyond.

COMMENTS:

This is another essay that stands out because of its solid writing and superior organization. It starts with a bold assertion to catch the reader’s attention and then uses the assertion to introduce the mentor’s most outstanding quality. Each of the next three paragraphs clearly asserts and describes an additional supporting quality. The essay concludes with examples of how the mentor’s influence has tangibly affected the writer’s actions and work performance, resulting in rapid promotion.

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Failure Questions

To recognize that effective managers are able to learn from failure, describe a failure that you have experienced. What did you learn from the experience? (Harvard)

Any applicant who tries to claim or assert perfection on the application would, at best, be treated as a joke. No one is perfect, and no admissions committee expects perfection. Yet, more than any other question, this one strikes fear into the hearts of applicants. However, answering this question does not need to be difficult. You must get past the biggest hurdle-your own reticence.

Failure often results from good intentions and admirable qualities such as initiative, leadership, and risk taking. Take advantage of the fact that failure will sometimes result from our best qualities. Any leader who has tried to forge a new path has made a mistake somewhere along the way. If you are honest and forthright about the mistake you made, people will remember the intention over the result. Besides, the committee is not interested in judging you on your mistake, they simply want to know how you dealt with it. The only real way to flunk this question is to dodge it. If you choose a trite or irrelevant topic, the committee will either question your honesty and your maturity or doubt your ability to lead, take risks, and think outside the box.

If you are having trouble choosing a situation, consider the following guidelines:

1. Choose something that has happened recently. Delving too far into your past is an obvious cop-out.

2. Do not limit yourself to professional failures, but do not shy away from them either. Admissions committees are aware of the risk inherent in choosing job failures and will give you points for being forthright.

3. Do not choose anything overly dramatic or that would call your morals into question. The reader should be able to relate to your failure, not be shocked by it.

If you cannot clearly state what you learned from the incident or the actions that you took to amend it, then pick something else. When you are writing, take a simple, straightforward, objective tone. Do not try to excuse your actions. Let your story speak for itself. Keep your essay as concise as possible.

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Very Personal Questions

If we had met you five years ago and then met you again today, how would we say that you have changed? Include specific examples that characterize your development. (Sloan)

In thirty to forty years, when you reflect back on your life, what criteria will you use when judging if you have been successful? What are the main achievements/events that you hope will have taken place? (Anderson)

Please provide us with a summary of your personal and family background. Include information about where you grew up, your parents’ occupations, your siblings, and perhaps a highlight or special memory from your youth. (Anderson)

Each of us has been influenced by the people, events, and situations occurring in our lives. How have these influences shaped who you are today? (Stanford)

What seminal influences or experiences, broadly defined (a book, teacher, friend, relative, sojourn, hobby, and so forth), have especially contributed to your personal development? What correlation, if any, does your personal development have to your professional goals? (Berkeley)

Describe yourself and the significant events that have shaped you. (Michigan)

All essay questions, as we have already mentioned, are a way for the admissions committee to learn more about you personally. The getting personal questions just ask more directly than others. They give you a direct opportunity to speak for yourself. They can be tricky, though, because they are often extremely open-ended.

Be selective. You cannot include every detail about yourself, so you have to pick wisely. Some applicants want to tell everything, fearful that they will leave out a crucial detail on which their acceptance, and future, could hinge. Do not give in to this temptation. Instead, focus on one or two significant qualities or characteristics that give the admissions committee genuine insight into you.

Many of the questions in this category are worded creatively or ask you to use your imagination. This is intended to get you to loosen up and be yourself. If the question takes you off guard, let it-it means the committee is looking for an unguarded answer. This makes many applicants uncomfortable. They try to present themselves objectively but end up distancing themselves from the subject matter with overly long words and a dry, academic tone. This is a grave mistake since the whole point of this essay is to reveal something about yourself. Therefore, put your heart into this essay.

This category does not have one standard question-every school asks it in a different way. Although each school’s question will differ from the next, most of the personal questions still fit into one of three categories: personal development, personal goals, or personal background and influence.

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Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 2: Law School Essay Question Help

Please select from the following common law school topics:

Note: The below essays were not edited by EssayEdge Editors. They appear as they were initially reviewed by admissions officers.

Theme 1: Why I Want to Be a Lawyer

The secret to doing this theme well is to show why you want to be a lawyer. Don’t just say it and expect it to stand on its own. Admissions officers want believable details from your life that demonstrate your desire and make it real to them. Says one admissions officer:

“Although you do get tired of reading it, it’s nearly impossible (and ill-advised!) for an applicant to avoid communicating at some point that: “I want to be a lawyer.” It’s the ones who say only that that rankle. The ones who support the statement with interesting and believable evidence are the ones who do it best.”

One secret to avoiding the here-we-go-again reaction is to keep an eye on your first line. Starting with “I’ve wanted to be a lawyer since…” makes admissions officers cringe. Yes, we know it’s an easy line to fall back on, but these poor people have read this sentence more times than they can count, and it gets old fast. Instead, start with a story that demonstrates your early call to law. Look, for example, at the first paragraph of this essay:

“That’s not fair.” Even as the smallest of children, I remember making such a proclamation: in kindergarten it was “not fair” when I had to share my birthday with another little girl and didn’t get to sit on the “birthday chair.” When General Mills changed my favorite childhood breakfast cereal, “Kix,” I, of course, thought this was “not fair.” Unlike many kids (like my brother) who would probably have shut up and enjoyed the “great new taste” or switched to Cheerios, this kid sat her bottom down in a chair (boosted by the phone book) and typed a letter to the company expressing her preference for the “classic” Kix over the “great new taste” Kix.

In telling the story, this writer demonstrates that the roots of her political activism run deep without having to ever say it. She doesn’t just tell us and expect us to take her word for it-she shows us.

Another approach that is overdone is the “my dad is a lawyer” approach. Some admissions officers said that when the only reason an applicant gives for wanting to be a lawyer is that it is a family legacy, it makes them question not only the motivation but the maturity of the applicant. While this doesn’t mean you need to hide the fact that your parent is a lawyer, it does mean that you should avoid depending on that as your sole reason for wanting to go to law school. If a parent truly was your inspiration, then describe exactly why you were inspired by them, and what you have done to test your motivation in the real world.

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Theme 2: Why I Am Qualified

Writing about your experiences in the law field supports both the Why I Want to Be a Lawyer theme and the Why I Am Qualified theme, so it is always a good idea to spend time on the experiences that qualify you as a potential law student.

Direct work experience is always the best, of course, for a number of reasons. For one, it proves your motivation to the committee. For another, it shows that you have the potential for being successful in the field. Perhaps most importantly, it shows the committee that you understand the profession and know what you will be getting into upon graduating. One type of applicant that the committee keeps a wary eye out for is the kind who wants to go to law school but doesn’t have any realistic idea of what lawyers do beyond the glamorized images seen in television and movies.

But you do not need to have had an internship at a law firm to show that you are qualified. Your experience might be political, such as the convention you volunteered to help organize or the campaign you helped raise funds for. Or it can be academic or issues-based, such as the thesis you wrote on law and the Internet. The rule here is, if you have it, use it.

If you have a lot of experience, the bulk of your essay may be spent on this theme rather than on the Why I Want to Go to Law School theme. You should try to relate your qualifications back to your motivation at some point, though, even if it is only a reference. Often, people will do this in a single, concluding sentence. This can be a powerful approach as long as your passion is clearly demonstrated through your description of your experiences. Look at the essay below for an example of this. The writer spends all but the last paragraph of his essay describing his dedication to activism, first by lobbying to have the Confederate flag removed from the Boy Scouts, and later by actions taken as student body president. He doesn’t make a verbal tie-in to his motivation until the last few sentences of his essay:

I sought practical improvements through independent thinking, perseverance, and tenacity in the face of fierce criticism. A legal education would give me tools to better use these abilities. I am not headed to law school on a mission, but I see law as an opportunity to contribute as we build our future.

Admissions Officers’ Pet Peeve: Making Lists

For some candidates the problem will not be that they don’t have enough direct experience to write about; they have too much. The danger inherent in wanting to include all your experience is that space is limited and you can either end up with an essay that is too long, or one that consists of little more than a listing of your activities and accomplishments. Says one officer:

“The essay should never be merely a prose form of a C.V. That’s dry to read, and again, doesn’t offer any additional information about the candidate.”

It is all right to include all the experience you have had somewhere in your essay but keep it short and do it in the context of a story or a personal account using colorful details. After all, you can attach a resume that will list all your jobs and promotions. The essay has the much more important job of bringing these experiences to life.

Also, resist the hard-sell approach. The admissions officers at top schools read so many essays written by extremely qualified applicants that writing a self-serving “I did this, I did that” essay isn’t going to wow them; it will simply make them yawn. You are much better off with a humble attitude. Let your experiences speak for themselves and focus on making your essay personal and interesting instead. Having someone objective read your essay before you send it in will help you discern the kind of impression you are making.

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Theme 3: Why I Am Exceptional

If you are different in any sense of the word-if you are an older applicant, a member of a minority, a foreign applicant, an athlete or musician, disabled, or have an unusual academic or career background, use this angle to your advantage by showing what your unique background will bring to the school and to the practice of law. One interesting topic for foreign students, for example, might be to talk about how the education system differs in this country and why they are choosing it over a course of study in their own country and/or language.

Beware, however, that there are instances where playing the diversity card will backfire:

If you are a “student of diversity” then of course, use it. But don’t harp on it for its own sake or think that being different by itself is enough to get you in-that will only make us feel manipulated and it can show that you didn’t know how to take advantage of a good opportunity.

Only people with significant and documentable disabilities should bring them up in the essay. By that I mean not the current popular overdiagnosed disability du jour, which in my day was ADD.

The secret is to tie in your diversity strongly with your motivations or qualifications, or with what you can bring to the class. If you can’t make a strong tie-in, then you might simply make a brief mention of your exceptional trait, background, or talent instead of making it the focus. This can be a very effective approach because it shows that you have enough confidence in your qualifications and abilities to let them stand on their own. It is as though you are simply mentioning the fact that you are blind or a refugee from a war-torn land or a violin virtuoso to add shading to your already strong, colorful portrait.

Some applicants, however, will have the opposite problem and will feel uncomfortable stressing their differences. Career switchers or older applicants, for example, sometimes feel insecure about incorporating their experience into the essay, thinking that they will only draw attention to the fact that the bulk of their experience is in another field. If this sounds like you, remember that your past experience gives you a unique perspective and you can use your essay to turn this into an advantage instead of a liability. Or, alternately, you could stress the similarities instead of the differences and make your diverse job experiences relevant by drawing comparisons between the skills required in your current field and the ones that will be needed in law school.

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Theme 4: Issues-Based Essays

Issues-based essays come in many different forms. The best kind of issues-based essays are written by applicants who have a strong passion for a specific cause and can show why the cause is important to them and what actions they have taken to further it. If there is an issue that dominates your thoughts, studies, or activities, it is natural that this issue will also dominate your essay.

Often times issues-based essays focus more on analyzing all sides of the issue rather than taking a stand from one viewpoint. If you do this type of essay well, it will show the committee that you are a person of reason and logic who can make mature, educated decisions based on a thorough analysis of issues. It is not even necessary that you come to any final conclusions-just showing that you can see and analyze all sides of an argument has validity.

The pitfall inherent in any of the above issues-based approaches is that applicants who write about their commitment to a social justice issue without backing it up with real evidence or experience risk appearing insincere. One admissions officer had this comment:

Year after year hundreds of applicants swear by their altruistic motives, yet only 2% of all lawyers graduating in 1991 took jobs in the public sector, protecting the environment, fighting racial inequality, and crusading for rights for the homeless. The majority (over 60%) took jobs in private firms. After a time, you become skeptical.

If your beliefs are genuine, you will be able to support them with clear evidence of your involvement in activities that demonstrate your commitment.

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

 
Chapter 3: Brainstorming a Topic

Introduction

Choosing an essay topic can be one of the most difficult aspects of the entire admissions process. Questions often ask you to think about your entire life, pick just one thing, and talk about it in great depth. Even the most reflective writers are left wondering: “How am I supposed to know the ONE event that has changed my life or the one thing that represents my entire personality.” In all likelihood there isn’t just one. But there probably is one that you can write about most passionately and effectively. The most important part of your entire essay is finding this one subject. Without a topic you feel passionate about, without one that brings out the defining aspects of you personality, you risk falling into the trap of sounding like the 90 percent of applicants who will write boring admissions essays. Coming up with this idea is difficult and will require a great deal of time. But whatever you do, don't let this part stress you out. Have fun!  

 

One Essay, Multiple Applications

By now, you have figured out that you can save time by submitting the same or similar essays for the applications to various schools. If you are creative, you will be able to plug in many of your answers into some not so similar questions, too. It is fine to lift whole paragraphs or even entire essays and apply them to different questions-as long as you do so seamlessly. Be absolutely sure that you have answered the question asked. Pay special attention to the introductions and conclusions-this is where cutting and pasting is most evident. Thorough proofreading is imperative if you take shortcuts like these. If a school notices that you have obviously swapped essays without even bothering to tailor them to the questions at hand, it shows them that you are lazy and insincere. If the question requires an answer specific to the school, you should show that you have read the college’s web page, admissions catalog, and have an understanding of the institution's strengths.
 

 

 

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 3: Brainstorming

EXERCISE #1: BRAINSTORMING

First please complete our Brainstorming Worksheet. The worksheet is a .PDF file and requires the free Adobe Acrobat viewer. If you do not yet have the free viewer, please click here to download it.

After Completing the Worksheet...
You should now have between 25 and 75 potential essay topics. The next step is to narrow this list down to the topics that are most suited to an admissions essay. For each item listed above, answer the following questions. Some of your ideas may reveal themselves as dull, while you will find plenty to discuss for others.

For each of the personal characteristics or skills you have listed, ask:

  • Does it distinguish me from others I know?
  • How did I develop this attribute?

For each of the activities you have listed, ask:

  • What made me join this activity?
  • What made me continue to contribute to it?

For each event in your life you have listed, ask:

  • Why do I remember this particular event?
  • Did it change me as a person?
  • How did I react?
  • Was the event a moment of epiphany, as if my eyes saw something to which they had previously been blind?

For each person you have listed, ask:

  • Why have I named this person?
  • Do I aspire to become like this person?
  • Which of this person’s traits do I admire?
  • Do I aspire to become like this person?
  • Which of this person’s traits do I admire?
  • Is there something that this person has said that I will always remember?
  • Did he or she challenge my views?

For each of your favorites and least favorites, ask:

  • Why is this a favorite or least favorite?
  • Has this thing influenced my life in a meaningful way?

For each failure, ask:

  • What if anything did I learn from this failure?
  • What if anything good came out of this failure?

In answering these questions, you will probably find that you have a great deal to talk about, at least for five to seven topics. You must now confront the underlying problem of the admissions essay: find the one topic that will allow you to synthesize your important personal characteristics and experiences into a coherent whole while simultaneously addressing your desire to attend a specific institution. While most admissions essays allow great latitude in topic selection, you must also be sure to answer the questions that were asked of you. Leaving a lasting impression on someone who reads 50 to 100 essays a day will not be easy, but we have compiled some guidelines to help you get started.

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 3: Selecting a Topic

EXERCISE #2: SELECTING A TOPIC

In this exercise, you will find a list of Do’s and Don’ts for selecting a topic, along with comments from long-time admissions officers. For each of your five to seven potential topics, fill in this checklist. If you find yourself repeatedly answering “no” to these questions for any given topic, you should drop it and move on to another.

1. Have I selected a topic that describes something of personal importance to my life?

Admissions Officer Says: “Personalize your essays as much as possible-generic essays are not only boring to read, they’re a waste of time because they don’t tell you anything to help you get to know the applicant any better.”

2. Am I avoiding a gimmicky topic? You should be very, very careful of trying to write your essay in iambic pentameter or with lots of jokes. Almost always, this is done poorly and is not appreciated by the admissions committee. Nothing is worse than not laughing at something that was written to be funny.

Admissions Officer Says: “Gimmicks are a big mistake, and a sarcastic or flippant tone will often offend.”

3. Does my topic stay away from information listed elsewhere on my application? Don’t mention GPAs or standardized test scores in your essay. That’s what the resume and other parts of the application are for.

Admissions Officer Says: “Listings of anything are dull, no matter how impressive.” “Essays should be about more than just a running tally of accomplishments.”

4. Will I be able to offer vivid supporting paragraphs to my essay topic? Do not choose a topic if you cannot provide concrete examples for the body of the essay.

Admissions Officer Says: “Details provide the color, the spice, and the life of the essays.” “As the saying goes, if you’re going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk.”

5. Can I fully answer the question asked of me? Can you address and elaborate on all points within the specified word limit, or will you end up writing a poor summary of something that might be interesting as a report or research paper? If you plan on writing something technical for an application, make sure you can back up your interest in a topic and not merely throw around big scientific words. Unless you convince the reader that you actually have the life experiences to back up your interest in neurobiology, the reader will assume that you are trying to impress him or her with shallow tactics. Also, be sure that you can write to admissions officers and that you are not writing over their heads.

Admissions Officer Says: “Actually answer the question they ask. Many people just list off their accomplishments and never relate it to the theme of the question.”

6. Will my topic keep the reader's interest from the first word? The entire essay must be interesting, considering admissions officers will probably spend only a few minutes reading each essay.

Admissions Officer Says: “If the first paragraph doesn’t fix my attention, like anyone I’m prone to skimming.”

7. Is my topic unique? Some students are so concerned about making the correct impression that they edit out anything that would help their essay stand out. They submit a “safe” essay that is, in reality, sterile, monotonous, and deadly boring. Most topics are in fact overdone, and this is not necessarily a bad thing, but a unique and convincing answer to a classic topic can pay off big. Furthermore, when applying to a competitive program that might be out of your reach, taking a risk in the essay may help your chances by standing out.

Admissions Officer Says: “Applicants should not be afraid to go out on a limb and be themselves-even when that means incorporating humor or being a little bit controversial.”

8. Am I being myself? Admissions officers want to learn about you and your writing ability. You must develop your own voice and tell YOUR story, not the story you think the reader wants to hear. Write about something meaningful and describe what you did and felt, and your essay will be unique. Many people travel to foreign countries or win competitions, but your feelings during these events are unique to you. Unless a philosophy or societal problem has interested you intensely for years, stay away from grand themes that you have little personal experience with.

Admissions Officer Says: “It is through the essay that the admissions officers reading the application will feel that they have truly gotten to know you.”

9. Does my topic avoid hot-button issues that may offend the reader? If you write on how everyone should worship your God, how wrong or right abortion is, or how you think the Republican Party is evil, you will not get into the college of your choice. The only thing worse than not writing a memorable essay is writing an essay that will be remembered negatively. Stay away from specific religions, political doctrines, or controversial opinions. You can still write an essay about Nietzsche's influence on your life, but express understanding that not all intelligent people will agree with Nietzsche's claims. Emphasize instead Nietzsche's influence on YOUR life, and not why you think he was wrong or right in his beliefs.

Admissions Officer Says: “It is dangerous for a non-professional (especially a high school student) to attempt writing as though the essay will be presented at a professional conference. You may be writing to someone who knows much more than you and will be irritated by your hackneyed proclamations.”

10. Is my essay honest? Unless you are a truly excellent writer, your best, most passionate writing will be about events that actually occurred. While you might be tempted to invent hardship, it is completely unnecessary. Write an essay about your life that demonstrates your personality.

Admissions Officer Says: “After 15 years of reading hundreds of essays a year, you develop an amazing ability to see straight through the bull.”

11. Will an admissions officer remember my topic after a day of reading hundreds of essays? What will the officer remember about your topic? What will the officer remember about you? What will your lasting impression be?

12. If you are writing about something unfortunate that has happened to you, ask: Am I able to highlight my impressive qualities under difficult circumstances without sounding pathetic? Unless you only use the experience as a lens with which to magnify your own personal characteristics, you will not write a good essay. Graduate and professional school applicants should generally steer clear of this topic altogether unless the experience can arguably help one become a better businessman, doctor, lawyer, or scholar.

13. Does my essay fit in well with the rest of my application? Does it explain the unexplained and steer clear of what is already obvious? For example, if you have a 4.0 GPA and a 1500 SAT, no one doubts your ability to do the academic work; addressing this topic would be ridiculous. However, if you have an 850 SAT and a 3.9 GPA or a 1450 SAT and a 2.5 GPA, you would be wise to incorporate into your essay an explanation for the apparent contradiction. For example, perhaps you were hospitalized or family concerns prevented your dedication to academics; you would want to mention this in your essay. However, do not make your essay one giant excuse. Simply give a quick, convincing explanation within the framework of your larger essay.

14. Does my topic avoid mentioning my weaknesses? You want to make a positive first impression, and telling an admissions officer anything about drinking, drugs, or partying undermines your goal. EssayEdge editors have read more essays on ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) than we would hope. Why admit to weakness when you can instead showcase your strengths?

15. If you think you can add diversity to the school to which you are applying, ask: Does my essay specifically demonstrate how my uniqueness will contribute to the realm of campus opinion, the academic environment, or the social life? Every college, professional school, or graduate school wants to increase diversity. For this reason, so many applicants are tempted to declare what makes them different. However, simply saying that you are a black, lesbian female will not impress admissions officers in the least. While an essay incorporating this information would probably be your best topic idea, you must subtly handle the issue by addressing your own personal qualities and how you overcame stigma or dealt with social ostracism. If you are a rich student from Beverly Hills whose father is an engineer and whose mother is a lawyer, but you happen to be a minority, an essay about how you dealt with adversity would be unwise.

Once you have used this checklist for each of the five to seven topics you came up with in Lesson One, narrow the list down to the three topics that most easily pass all of the suggestions above.

a. If more than three topics pass the test above, then simply choose the three that you are most excited about.

b. If fewer than three topics pass the test, go back to your long list in Lesson One and run a few more potential topics through our checklist.

At this point, you might have a topic so inspiring that the essay writes itself. However, even seemingly boring topics can be made into exceptional admissions essays with an innovative approach. In writing the essay you must bear in mind your two goals: to persuade the admissions officer that you are extremely worthy of admission and to make the admissions officer aware that you are more than a GPA and a standardized score, that you are a real-life, intriguing personality.

Unfortunately, there is no surefire step-by-step method to writing a good essay. EssayEdge editors will recast your essay into a beautifully sculpted masterpiece, but every topic requires a different treatment since no two essays are alike. Lessons 3 to 6 will guide you through the various stages of writing a first-rate essay.

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 4: Structure and Outline

The easiest way to sabotage all the work you have done so far is to skip this lesson. Writing is as much a discipline as it is an art, and to ensure that your essays flow well and make sense, you need to construct solid outlines before you write. Unless you conscientiously impose structure around your ideas, your essay will be rambling and ineffective. An outline should make sense on its own; the ideas should follow logically in the order that you list them. As you add content around these main points, these words should support and reinforce the logic of the outline. Finally, the outline should conclude with an insightful thought or image. Make sure that the rest of your outline reinforces this conclusion.

The body paragraphs should consist of events, experiences, and activities you have already organized in chronological order or in order of importance. In many of the essays that our editors read, the order of paragraphs seems to have been chosen at random. Make clear why one point follows another: each point in your outline should connect with the next; each main category should be linked to your introduction or thesis; and each sub-category should be linked to the main category. As you make your outline you should be able to see where there are holes in your essay.

Continue on to descriptions and examples of various essay structures, a sample outline and essay, short essay strategies and samples, and essay writing templates to help cure the worst cases of writer's block.

Select One:




Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 4: Example Essay Structures

The following structures are demonstrated and discussed:

Example Structure

The Example Structure follows the rules of a traditional academic essay: begin with a main argument or thesis statement, follow this with three pieces of evidence that support the argument, and wrap up by stating what the essay has shown. This is a good structure to use when making a single, strong point. Its power lies in its simplicity. Because it allows you to present several points neatly in support of a single claim, it is especially useful for making a persuasive argument. This format will be most helpful when writing short essays, but for longer personal statements, it might appear formulaic and dull. One of the more creative structures described below might draw attention more successfully to your writing.

Click here for a sample of an Example Essay.

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Compare and Contrast

For some questions, this structure is a natural choice, as in the personal growth and development question, which asks you to compare yourself now to the way you once were. You can structure a cause-and-effect essay point for point, by comparing one aspect of the object or situation at a time. Or you can choose to employ the block method by thoroughly covering all the points of the first object or situation in the first half of the essay and then comparing it with all the points of the other in the last half.

Click here for a sample of a Compare and Contrast Essay.

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Narrative or Chronological Structure

If you have decided to focus on a single event in your life, you will want to use this structure. It can be filled with action, dialogue, and subtle details. Although, you should not confuse effective drama with overwrought, Hollywood-style melodrama. The briefest and simplest of events can take on meaning when told convincingly. Using a chronological or narrative structure over a long period of time (anything more than a day or two) can often read like a ship’s log. You don’t want to sound like you’re rattling off a schedule of events. Rather, take on the role of storyteller and provide great detail about a very specific set of events. The sequence of events will help reinforce flow from one stage of the essay to the next and will make the difficult task of transitioning between paragraphs very natural. While the narrative is one of the most effective forms of writing for an essay, it can also be difficult. Use the following tips as your write your narrative:

  • Make the reader aware of chronology and keep the story generally moving forward.
  • Don’t feel obligated to tell more of the story than you need to convey your point. Extra details distract from the main drive of the story.
  • Try not to use reflective conclusions or introductions describing what you learned; start and end with the action and have everything take place within the context of the story.
  • Describe events, people, and places in very specific, colorful terms.

Narrative can be combined with other structures for an approach that is less risky but still interesting. Beginning an essay with a brief story is the most common and effective of such methods. Another twist on the narrative essay is one that describes a single place, person, or action in great detail. It appeals to the senses of the audience without necessarily drawing on the action of a story. There is no standard structure found in this type of essay -- each is differently organized -- but all rely on crisp imagery and sensory detail, leaving the reader with a single, vivid image. Single images are easier to remember than a list of points, qualities, traits, or qualifications, no matter how impressive any one or all of them may be. Still, this is a risky approach and is best employed when you have to provide multiple essays for one school so that you have a chance to structure your other essays more traditionally.

Click here for samples of Narrative Essays.

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Descriptive Structure

This is similar to the chronological structure except that instead of walking step by step through increments of time, it follows step by step through a description of a place, person, or thing. The first paragraph gives an introduction describing the general feel of the place, person, or thing. The body paragraphs offer in-depth descriptions of two or three particular aspects of the place, person, or thing. In the last paragraph, the writer steps out of the descriptive mode and offers a brief conclusion of what the place, person, or thing says about him or her.

Click here for a sample of a Descriptive Essay.

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Cause-and-Effect Structure

Often times you will be asked for a life-changing experience or about someone or something that has had a great influence on you. This structure shows that you understand and appreciate the effect that other entities have had on your development and maturity. For these essays, you will want to use the body paragraphs to first describe the influence and then move onto how that has had an effect on you. You can either divide the essay into a “cause section” and an “effect section” or you can mesh the two together by taking each small description one by one and explaining the effect it has had on you. If you decide to use this structure, be sure that you don't write yourself out of the equation; make the point that you were the catalyst between the cause and the effect. That way, you demonstrate that you know how to take action and create change.

Click here for a sample of a Cause and Effect Essay.

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Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Chapter 4: Sample Outline and Essay

Below you will find a sample outline and the essay written from that outline.

OUTLINE

Paragraph 1 (Introduction)

I. Leading sentence: “It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life.”

II. Summary of main points: “I not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I also came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life, love, and spirit.”

Paragraph 2 (First Supporting Point)

I. Transition sentence: “My mother’s enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel.”

II. Supporting point: Her mother’s enthusiasm for learning.

III. Evidence: Learning through travel by using the example of a trip to Greece.

Paragraph 3 (Second Supporting Point)

I. Transition sentence: “While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house.”

II. Supporting point: Her mother’s dedication to the community.

III. Evidence: Her multiple volunteer activities such as helping at the local soup kitchen.

Paragraph 4 (Conclusion)

I. Transition sentence: “Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it.”

II. Reiteration of main points: “She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with her devotion to humanity.”

III. Taking it one step further: “Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my mother will always be by my side.”

Click here to create your own outline

COMPLETED ESSAY (NOTE: SAMPLE ESSAYS ARE COLLEGE ESSAYS, NOT GRADUATE ESSAYS)

Note: The below essay was not edited by EssayEdge Editors. It appears as it was initially reviewed by admissions officers.

It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life. She’s the kind of person who has thoughtful discussions about which artist she would most want to have her portrait painted by (Sargent), the kind of mother who always has time for her four children, and the kind of community leader who has a seat on the board of every major project to assist Washington’s impoverished citizens. Growing up with such a strong role model, I developed many of her enthusiasms. I not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I also came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life, love, and spirit.

My mother’s enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel. I was nine years old when my family visited Greece. Every night for three weeks before the trip, my older brother Peter and I sat with my mother on her bed reading Greek myths and taking notes on the Greek Gods. Despite the fact that we were traveling with fourteen-month-old twins, we managed to be at each ruin when the site opened at sunrise. I vividly remember standing in an empty amphitheatre pretending to be an ancient tragedian, picking out my favorite sculpture in the Acropolis museum, and inserting our family into modified tales of the battle at Troy. Eight years and half a dozen passport stamps later I have come to value what I have learned on these journeys about global history, politics and culture, as well as my family and myself.

While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house. As a ten year old, I often accompanied my mother to (name deleted), a local soup kitchen and children’s center. While she attended meetings, I helped with the Summer Program by chasing children around the building and performing magic tricks. Having finally perfected the “floating paintbrush” trick, I began work as a full time volunteer with the five and six year old children last June. It is here that I met Jane Doe, an exceptionally strong girl with a vigor that is contagious. At the end of the summer, I decided to continue my work at (name deleted) as Jane’s tutor. Although the position is often difficult, the personal rewards are beyond articulation. In the seven years since I first walked through the doors of (name deleted), I have learned not only the idea of giving to others, but also of deriving from them a sense of spirit.

Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it. While the raw experiences I have had at home and abroad have been spectacular, I have learned to truly value them by watching my mother. She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with her devotion to humanity. In her endless love of everything and everyone she is touched by, I have seen a hope and life that is truly exceptional. Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my mother will always be by my side.


Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.


Chapter 4: Short Essays

Some schools require you to write a series of short essays rather than submit a single personal statement. If this is the case for you, then you should consider the impact that your essay set will have as a whole. You need to balance the structure and content of the set as much as you do within each essay individually. Yet, with these challenges come several advantages. More essays means more opportunity to sell yourself. Multiple essays give you ample space to do justice to all the different areas of your life, avoiding the pitfall of cramming too many points into one essay. And, you can take more risks being creative in one essay, while providing other traditional essays, thus appealing to readers with different tastes.

When you are required to answer multiple questions, there is often a strict word limit for each answer. But even though each essay is short, each one requires as much attention as long essays. The best way to approach a short essay is to write a regular, full-length essay and then cut it down. Let yourself write as long as you feel inspired, without time limits or length constraints. After you have the ideas on paper, go back and look for the pieces of gold buried under all of the words. Begin by reducing the introduction and the conclusion from one paragraph to one sentence each. Choose only the clearest, most direct parts.

Some short-answer questions ask for lists of activities, jobs, or honors. There are two approaches to answering such a question: the list and the paragraph. For each, provide complete information about the items you are listing, following the same format for each list. Include the activity, your involvement, and the time commitment. Make it clear that your activities have involved responsibility and effort. And don't worry about the number of activities you list -- when it comes to quality, less is often more.

We have stressed in numerous places throughout this course the importance of proofing your essays and getting feedback. While most applicants are stringent about taking this step after writing individual essays, some forget to apply the same advice to their essay set as a whole. Before you send in your application, assess the impression that your essays will make when taken together.

  • Are my main points evident?
  • Are there redundancies or apparent contradictions between essays?
  • Is a coherent image presented throughout the essays and does each essay contribute to the same image?
  • Is a consistent voice and style used throughout the essays? Does it sound as though they were written by the same person?
  • Does the essay set support the impression that is made in the rest of the application?

For examples of short essays, click here.
Essays included from Georgetown, Duke, Dartmouth, and Harvard.


Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 4: Outline Worksheet


I. Introduction

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

II. Body

A. Paragraph 1:

1. Supporting Point #1

_________________________________________

____________________________________________________

2. Evidence for Supporting Point #1: analysis of example to show how it supports the topic sentence and thesis ____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

B. Paragraph 2:                 

1. Supporting Point #2

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

2. Evidence for Supporting Point #2

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

C. Paragraph 3:                 

1. Supporting Point#3

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

2. Evidence for Supporting Point #3

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

III. Conclusion

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com

From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 4: Essay Templates

Writing admissions essays is not formulaic; the best essays will have the most personal detail and passionate writing. However, if you are suffering from severe writer’s block and need help piecing together an effective essay, we have provided generic templates for the most common types of essays. If you stick strictly to these templates, you will end up with pretty awful essays; they are solely intended to jumpstart your writing in its earliest stages.

Warning: If you rely heavily on these templates in your final draft, you will write one of the worst admissions essays possible. Use these templates only to get your own creative juices flowing.

Describe An Influential Person

The person who has had the biggest influence in my life is _______. Because ______ was __________ he/she taught me __________ but also much about __________. I have been close to _______ ever since I was _____ years old and we ______. I feel a debt of gratitude to ________ for always being there for me through _________.

__________ has always been my role model. I have long admired his/her success in ________, _________, __________, and the way he/she ________. My goal in life is to be just like him/her, to get the most I can out of life. Because of ______’s strong influence, I find _________ fascinating. I am always impressed that he/she started __________ at my age and rose to be ____________ in just a few years. _______ has supported my interest in ________, and was very proud of me when I __________.

I also admire __________’s devotion to ____________. This was ___________ and quickly became _____________. This endeavor took up his/her life for ______________ until he/she _____________ in __________. Since then, ______________ has _____________ in part because of ___________’s efforts.

____________’s accomplishments have meant _________to me. __________ has been ___________ in my life, showing me that ___________ and ___________. I hope to inherit his/her virtues and _____________ in order to make him/her proud.

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Discuss an Activity Outside of the Classroom

________ has been a crucial part of my life ever since ________. Back in _________ when I started ___________ I never imagined that __________. _________ used to encourage me/cheer me on/drive me back and forth as I practiced/continued to __________. During this time I met ___________, learned ____________, and became better at ______________.

The best part of ____________ is _________________ because ____________. Doing ____________ means __________. The __________ team/group/club/organization introduced me to __________. For most of my peers in _______, the goal was ____________. But for me, my main objective was ____________. I will never forget the time when I/we __________. This team/organization gave me the opportunity to _________ and learn ___________, which has benefited me in ___________.

In addition to the fun/competition/other, ___________ has confronted me with many challenges. I am not naturally a good ___________. I am not ______, _________, or _________. However, I discovered that in order to excel at ___________, I needed to ________. As a result, I am known on my team/organization as _________. Each day, I become stronger at ________ and _________.

Whether I continue _______ or not, I know that I have already built strong __________ and skills in ___________. My experiences with ___________ have taught me lessons that I can apply beyond ___________, and I will always have __________ for years to come.

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Discuss an Issue of Importance

During the last __________ years, I have devoted a significant amount of time to ___________, an issue that is often _______________ because of ___________. In my quest to ____________, I faced many obstacles of my own such as ______________. But after _____________, I realized that I could _________________ and ______________.

One reason why this issue is so ________ is that ___________. Most people do not realize that _____________. Moreover, those who find themselves ___________ do not have ________________. With ___________ and ____________ people who/a society that is _____________ has little chance to ___________.

In this difficult ___________, I realized there were many _________________ who needed my ______________. By _______________, I helped ___________ to _____________. Finally, in ___________, I reached a turning point when I ____________ with ______________ at _____________. At this time, I had the opportunity to _______________. I helped with _____________ and ___________. I realized that in order to _______________, I had to _______________ and ______________. I started by ____________ and ____________, which had the affect of _____________ and ________________.

Since this time in _____________, I/we have accomplished/managed to/seen ____________. Many problems remain, such as ____________ and ______________. But with ____________ in mind, I know/our organization is prepared to/our society can ________________. My interest in __________ has taught me that I am __________, that my group is ___________, and that society/our culture is _______________. In the future, I would like to continue ____________ for the sake of ______________ and hope to incorporate ___________ into my time at ____________.

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 5: Style and Tone

Over the years, our editors have seen some amazing stories become dreadfully boring and some ridiculously dry topics transform into an exciting read. The culprit (or hero): writing style. Witness the advice of some admissions officers:

Use a conversational style and easy-to-understand language to project a genuine, relaxed image.

Make sure that your essay is readable. Don’t make us work. Give your essay momentum-make sure that the parts work together and move to a point, carrying the reader along.

Don’t bore us. More often it is the monotonous style, and not the subject matter, that makes these essays dull.

A large majority of the corrections made by our editors fall into one of five categories: sentence variety, word choice, verb tense, transitions and essay clichés. If you weren’t paying attention in English class, here’s a refresher…

Select One:

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.





Chapter 5: Sentence Variety

Many students think that the longer the sentence they write, the better the sentence. This is far from the truth. You do not need long, complicated sentences to show that you are a good writer. In fact, short sentences often pack the most punch. The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths, mixed within any given paragraph.

Try reading your essay out-loud, pausing at every period. Listen to the rhythm of your prose. Are all of the sentences the same length? If each of your sentences twists and turns for an entire paragraph, or you run out of breath at any point, break them up into smaller statements. You may also want to try a more methodical approach:


EXERICISE #3: SENTENCE VARIETY 

Once you have completed your essay, try labeling each sentence “short” (under 10 words), “medium” (under 20 words), or “long” (20 or more words). A nice paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A dry essay would be S S S M L L L.



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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.




Chapter 5: Word Choices

Don’t Thesaurusize. The second trap into which many students fall is thinking that big words make good essays. Advanced vocabulary is fine if it comes naturally to you, and when used correctly in an appropriate context. After reading thousands of essays, admissions officers know which students have come up with difficult words by themselves and which have looked them up in a thesaurus.


Show, don’t tell. Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that “tell” rather than “show” the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not “get it” if they do not beat to death their main arguments. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clichés: “the value of hard work and perseverance” or “learning to make a difference” or “not taking loved ones for granted” or “dreams coming true” or “learning from mistakes.” Such statements are acceptable if used minimally, as in topic sentences, but the best essays do not use them at all. Instead, allow the details of your story to make the statement for you. An example helps elucidate the difference:

In a mediocre essay: “I developed a new compassion for the disabled.” 

In a better essay: “Whenever I had the chance to help the disabled, I did so happily.”

In an excellent essay: “The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm.” 

The first example provides no detail, the second example is still only hypothetical, but the final example evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.


Don’t Get Too Conversational. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone should be eliminated from all but the most informal essays. The following excerpt gives examples of all four offenses:

You are probably wondering, what are the political issues that make this kid really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my friends throwing away their right to vote. Voting is part of what makes this country great. Some kids believe that their vote doesn’t count. Well, I think they’re wrong.

In an essay like this one, in which you must show that you take things seriously, your language should also take itself seriously. Only non-traditional essays, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, should rely on conversational elements. Write informally only when you are consciously trying to achieve an effect that conveys your meaning.


Don’t repeatedly start sentences with “I.” It is typical for the first draft of an essay to have many of the following type of sentence: I + verb + object, for example, “I play soccer.” If this kind of simple structure is used too many times in an essay, it will have two effects: your language will sound stunted and unsophisticated; you will appear extremely conceited -- imagine a conversation with someone who always talks about herself. The trick is to change around the words without changing the meaning. Here is an example:

Before: “I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve myself. I began to love music.

After: “I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my love for music.


Don’t repeat the same subject nouns. When writing an essay about soccer (or leadership), do not repeatedly use the word “soccer” (or “leadership”). The repetition of nouns has much the same stunting effect as the repetition of “I” (see above). Look for alternative phrases for your subject nouns. For soccer, you might use vague synonyms (“the sport,” “the game”) or specific terms (“going to practice,” “completing a pass”). In the case of leadership, you could use phrases such as “setting an example,” or “coordinating a group effort.”


 

 

Extra: Trimming the Fat

The following words and phrases can usually be deleted from your essay without any loss of meaning. Just as an athlete needs to work off the fat in order to perform well, your writing needs to stay lean in order to pack more meaning into every sentence. Extra words rob your prose of energy by making your language convoluted and just plain fluffy (also known in some circles as “bull” or a stronger variant). The following phrases are especially fattening because they invite passive constructions, those that employ the verb, “to be.”

I believe that, I feel that, I hope that, I think that, I realized that, I learned that, in other words, in order to, in fact, it is essential that, it is important to see that, the reason why, the thing that is most important is, this is important because, this means that, the point is that, really, very, somewhat, absolutely, definitely, surely, truly, probably, practically, hopefully, in conclusion, in summary.

Also look for subtle redundancies of the “X and Y” variety. Only a few examples of the many are provided below. In each pair, the two words mean nearly the same thing -- so why write both? Such redundancies show the reader that you are not thinking about what you are saying. And, the more clichéd phrases make your essay sound like all of the others. Instead of resorting to these sinister twins, think of more precise language, words that really pin down your unique experience.

Hard work and effort, teamwork and cooperation, dreams and aspirations, personal growth and development, determination and diligence, challenges and difficulties, objectives and goals, worries and concerns, love and caring.


 

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 5: Verb Tense


As you write your essay, remember to focus on verbs and keep adjectives to a minimum. Pumping your sentences full of adjectives and adverbs is not the same thing as adding detail or color. Adjectives and adverbs add lazy description, but verbs add action.

Passive Tense

Our editors find that one of the greatest weaknesses of admissions essays is their frequent use of the passive tense. For this mini-lesson you will learn why the passive voice should be avoided, how to identify it, and how to replace it with the preferred active voice.

Overuse of the passive voice throughout an essay can make your prose seem flat and uninteresting. Sentences in active voice are also more concise than those in passive voice. You can recognize passive-voice expressions because the verb phrase will always include a form of to be, such as am, is, was, were, are, or been. The presence of a be-verb, however, does not necessarily mean that the sentence is in passive voice. In sentences written in passive voice, the subject receives the action expressed in the verb; the subject is acted upon. In sentences written in active voice, the subject performs the action expressed in the verb; the subject acts.

EXAMPLES: 
(Passive) I was selected to be the tuba player by the band leader.
(Active) The bandleader selected me to be the tuba player.

(Passive) I will be prepared for college as a result of the lessons my mother taught me.
(Active) My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college

(Passive) I am reminded of her voice every time I hear that song.
(Active) That song reminds me of her voice.


 

EXERCISE #4: STRONG VERBS vs. WEAK VERBS

Fill in the blanks using the most descriptive or active verb phrase.

1. After working closely with my mentor, I __________ advanced techniques in oil painting.

a) was beginning to master

b) began to master

c) mastered

2. My newspaper article on the labor strikes __________ both praise and criticism.

a) generated

b) got

c) was the recipient of

3. Once I joined the debate team, I __________ the opportunity to compete every weekend.

a) sought

b) had

c) was exposed to

4. Samuel’s touchdown __________ the stadium crowd.

a) created much energy in

b) energized

c) really energized

5. Woolf’s essay __________ my opinion of gender inequality.

a) challenged

b) made me take another look at

c) was challenging to

6. As Jessica drew near me, I __________ the baton and took off running.

a) grasped

b) got

c) was given

7. Once my mother had fallen asleep, I __________ the dolls on her nightstand.

a) put

b) arranged

c) set up

8. Chris and I __________ an educational project for first-graders in our community.

a) began

b) started

c) initiated

9. “Why didn’t you ask me before throwing it away?” Jason __________.

a) hollered

b) said angrily

c) started to yell

10. Mr. Franklin __________ that he was our true father.

a) let us know

b) told us

c) revealed

Answers:

1) c; 2) a; 3) a; 4) b; 5) a; 6) a; 7) b; 8) c; 9) a; 10) c;


 

Changing Passive Voice to Active Voice

If you want to change a passive-voice sentence to active voice, find the agent in the phrase, the person or thing that is performing the action expressed in the verb. Make that agent the subject of the sentence, and change the verb accordingly. For many instances of the passive voice in your essay, you can follow these steps:

1. Do a global search for the words “was” and then “were.” These words often indicate the passive voice.

2. Cross out the “was” or the “were.”

3. Add -ed to the verb that follows “was” or “were.”

4. If that changed verb does not make grammatical sense, it is an irregular verb, so change it to the simple past tense.

5. Rewrite the sentence around the new active-voice verb.


 

EXERCISE #5: MAKING SENTENCES MORE ACTIVE

Change these sentences from passive voice to active voice, or note if no change should be made.

1. I was taught by my brother the principles of barbecuing.

_______________________________________________________________

2. My father was given the title by the former head chief.

_______________________________________________________________

3. The house was wrecked by the party and the cat was let loose by the guests.

_______________________________________________________________

4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and the car has been stolen by Justin.

_______________________________________________________________

5. Unfortunately, my plan was ruined by Gerald, the building superintendent.

_______________________________________________________________

6. The roof was leaking. It had been leaking all week.

_______________________________________________________________

7. The ball was thrown by Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes.

_______________________________________________________________

8. Francesca was placed on the first flight to Boston. Her father put her there.

_______________________________________________________________

9. “To be or not to be?” That is the question.

_______________________________________________________________

10. A feast had been created from nothing. I was astounded.

_______________________________________________________________

Answers:

1. My brother taught me the principles of barbecuing.

2. The former head chief gave the title to my father.

3. The party wrecked the house and the guests let the cat loose.

4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and Justin has stolen the car.

5. Unfortunately, Gerald, the building superintendent, ruined my plan.

6. No change.

7. Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes, threw the ball.

8. Francesca’s father placed her on the first flight to Boston.

9. No change.

10. A feast had been created from nothing. This astounded me.


 

EXERCISE #6: PASSIVE-FREE WRITING

Write a 100-word essay on anything at all (preferably relating to your essay topic) without using any form of the verb “to be.”

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 5: Transitions

Applicants often ignore transitions to their own detriment. A good essay must use transitions within paragraphs and especially between paragraphs to preserve the logical flow of the essay. An essay without good transitions is like a series of isolated islands; the reader will struggle to get from one point to the next. Use transitions as bridges between your ideas. As you move from one paragraph to the next, you should not have to explain your story in addition to telling it. If the transitions between paragraphs require explanation, your essay is either too large in scope or the flow is not logical. A good transition statement will straddle the line between the two paragraphs.

You should not have to think too much about how to construct transition sentences. If the concepts in your outline follow and build on one another naturally, transitions will write themselves. To make sure that you are not forcing your transitions, try to refrain from using words such as, “however,” “nevertheless,” and “furthermore.” If you are having trouble transitioning between paragraphs or are trying to force a transition onto a paragraph that has already been written, then this may indicate a problem with your overall structure. If you suspect this to be the case, go back to your original outline and make sure that you have assigned only one point to each paragraph, and that each point naturally follows the preceding one and leads to a logical conclusion. The transition into the final paragraph is especially critical. If it is not clear how you arrived at this final idea, you have either shoe-horned a conclusion into the outline, or your outline lacks focus.

If you are confident in your structure, but find yourself stuck on what might make a good transition, try repeating key words from the previous paragraph and progressing the idea. If that doesn’t work, try this list of common transitions as your last resort:

If you are adding additional facts or information:

as well, and, additionally, furthermore, also, too, in addition, another, besides, moreover

If you are trying to indicate the order of a sequence of events:

first of all, meanwhile, followed by, then, next, before, after, last, finally, one month later, one year later, etc.

If you are trying to list things in order of importance:

first, second etc., next, last, finally, more importantly, more significantly, above all, primarily

If you are trying to connect one idea to a fact or illustration:

for example, for instance, to illustrate, this can be seen

To indicate an effect or result:

as a result, thus, consequently, eventually, therefore,

To indicate that one idea is the opposite of another:

nonetheless, however, yet, but, though, on the other hand, although, even though, in contrast, unlike, differing from, on the contrary, instead, whereas, nevertheless, despite, regardless of

When comparing one thing to another:

In a different sense, similarly, likewise, similar to, like, just as, conversely.


 

EXERCISE #7: TRANSITIONS

Connect the following sentences using an effective transition, when needed. (In some cases, the two sentences will be able to stand without a transition.)

  1. Ordinarily, I took my responsibility seriously and would write down classmates' names to preserve the silence and decorum of the school environment.  

    When a different teacher walked in, a teacher known to punish too hard and painfully, I decided to save my friends from his hard strokes, and I erased all the names.

  2.  Despite the windy conditions and below freezing temperatures, I could not tear myself away from the awe-inspiring beauty of the cosmos.

    Despite the frustration and difficulties inherent in scientific study, I cannot retreat from my goal of universal understanding.

  3.  But the sadness with which she responded, stating, "He died when he was a baby,” convinced me that it was true.

    It affected me as nothing ever would again.

  4.  Finishing the test in an unspectacular six minutes and five seconds, I stumbled off the erg more exhausted than I had ever been. That night, I went home and caught a cold.

    Had I followed my survivalist and rationalist instincts, I would have quit rowing then and there;

  5.  Immediately, I realized that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes of the universe's beauty.

    The hike taught me several valuable lessons that will allow me to increase my understanding through scientific research.

  6.  After my grandfather’s death, I began to understand and follow his sage advice.

    I pulled out a picture of my grandfather and me at Disneyland.

  7.  Often, she had to work from dusk to dawn living a double life as a student and a financially responsible adult.

    My mother managed to keep a positive disposition.

  8.  In addition to working and studying, she found time to make weekly visits to terminally ill and abandoned children in the local hospital.

    My mother developed the value of selflessness.

  9.  My mother made me learn Indonesian, the official language of our country.

    Also, she wanted me to develop interests in various academic and extracurricular fields.

Answers:

1) However; 2) Similarly; 3) The shock of this revelation at such a tender age; 4) That was three seasons ago. 5) In addition; 6) To cope with his passing; 7) Despite the burdens she faced; 8) From her experiences during college; 9) My mother did not only want me to have a broad knowledge of languages. 

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.




Chapter 5: Essay Clichés

Top 10 Essay Clichés

According to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary, a cliché is “a trite phrase or expression,” “a hackneyed theme, characterization, or situation,” or “something that has become overly familiar or commonplace.” The last thing you want in your essay is any of the above. Clichés make your writing appear lazy, your ideas ordinary, and your experiences typical. Arm yourself with the list below and eradicate these and other clichés from your writing.

1. I always learn from my mistakes

2. I know my dreams will come true

3. I can make a difference

4. _________ is my passion

5. I no longer take my loved ones for granted

6. These lessons are useful both on and off the field (or other sporting arena)

7. I realized the value of hard work and perseverance

8. _________ was the greatest lesson of all

9. I know what it is to triumph over adversity

10. _________ opened my eyes to a whole new world

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.




Chapter 6: Introductions and Conclusions

Surprised to see introductions as the topic of our second-to-last lesson? Most writers find that it is nearly impossible to craft an essay by beginning with the introduction. The best leads often develop during and after writers have written the remainder of the essay.

Maybe a fantastic introduction or conclusion is caught floating around in the middle of your rough draft. Maybe you find that your essay does not even need an introduction or conclusion (see sidebar). More likely, however, it is in these later stages that you have a good sense of the way your essay is shaping up, all the way to the nitty-gritty details. Since beginnings and endings can be the most challenging and important part of any piece of writing, you will want to take advantage of a completed rough draft.

Part of the reason why introductions and conclusions are so difficult is that writers tend to worry about them too much. Writing teachers give so much attention to the need for a thorough introduction and a sharply drawn conclusion that anxious essayists compensate by going overboard. They feel that in order to appear mature and worldly, their essays must contain profound insights and sweeping observations.

While your introduction and conclusion need not provide the answers to every worldly problem, they do need to be engaging. Admissions officers may spend just a few minutes reading your essay. Your introduction must grab their interest from the beginning and your conclusion must make a lasting impression.
 

 

Extra: No Introduction??!!

Most applicants assume that a good essay must have an introduction and conclusion. While most essays do require these bookends, there are some instances in which an introduction and conclusion can actually diminish the quality of your essay. Heed the advice of one admissions officer:

“When you have finished writing the rest of your rough draft, you may discover that you don't need an introduction at all. But isn't that risky? Maybe. But believe it or not, more essays have been ruined by forced and unnecessary introductions than have been ruined by the lack of one. Largely this is because of the misconception of what an introduction is supposed to accomplish. This is especially true if you are writing your essay as a narrative. It might feel risky or uncomfortable just letting the story stand on its own. You might be afraid that your reader will miss the point. But the point should be made in the story -- through the telling -- not before or after it. If you really cannot resist, then offer your observations and explanations in the conclusion instead of the introduction, leaving you free to begin your essay with the action.”


 

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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 6: Introductions

The introduction is the first sentence of your essay and it plays the dual role of setting the theme of your essay and engaging the reader. The introduction should not be overly formal. You do not want an admissions officer to start reading your essay and think, “here we go again.” Although admissions officers will try to give the entire essay a fair reading, they are only human -- if you lose them after the first sentence, the rest of your essay will not get the attention it deserves.

General Tips

  • Don’t Say Too Much. Just tell the story! Your introduction should not be so complex and so lengthy that it loses the reader before they even start. You have the rest of the essay to say what you want. There’s no need to pack it all into the first sentence. This leads to the next tip…
  • Don't Start Your Essay with a Summary. If you summarize, the admissions officer does not need to read the rest of your essay. You want to start your essay with something that makes the reader want to read until the very end. Once you have drawn the reader in through the first one to three sentences, the last sentence in your introductory paragraph should explain clearly and briefly what the point of the whole essay is. That is, why you are using this person, place, or thing. What does it say about you?
  • Create Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that your first sentence give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the admissions officers to force them to read on. Appeal to their senses and emotions to make them relate to your subject matter.

Types of Introductions

Please select a link below for examples and descriptions of various introductions.

Note: The below essays were not edited by EssayEdge Editors. They appear as they were initially reviewed by admissions officers.

Academic Introduction: This is the type of introduction you would use for a standardized test or a history paper. A typical standard introduction answers one or more of the six basic questions: who, what, when, where, why, and how. It gives the reader an idea of what to expect. You should try to stay away from simply restating the question unless you are limited by a word count and need to get to the point quickly. Your basic academic introduction or thesis statement is best used as the follow-up sentence to one of the more creative introductions described below.

Examples:

One of the greatest challenges I've had to overcome was moving from Iran to the United States. Iran was in deep political turmoil when I left, as it is today.

EssayEdge Says: This introduction is clear and to the point, and will prepare your reader for the ideas you want to discuss. However, it is rather unexciting and will not immediately engage your reader. As mentioned, you should try to preface it with a more creative statement. In addition, it makes one typical error. One should usually avoid using contractions in a formal essay, for example, “I’ve.”

Through all of my accomplishments and disappointments, I have always been especially proud of the dedication and fervor I possess for my personal beliefs and values.

EssayEdge Says: This is a very effective introduction to an essay about your personality. Mentioning pride is a good way to indicate how important your beliefs and values are to you. In a sentence like this, however, it would be better to use “Throughout” rather than “Through.” “Throughout” better expresses the widespread, expansive tone you want to give this sentence.

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Creative Introduction: A creative introduction catches the reader off-guard with an opening statement that leaves the reader smiling or wondering what the rest of the essay contains.

Examples:

Imagine yourself a freshman in high school, beginning your independence. As the oldest child, I was the first to begin exploring the worlds of dating, extra-curricular clubs and upperclassmen. However, one afternoon my parents sat my two sisters and me down. They said…

EssayEdge Says: The power of this introduction is that it places the reader in your shoes, making him or her more interested in what takes place in the rest of the essay. Its main mistake is that its informality gives the essay a slightly hokey or corny tone. Although a greater degree of informality is allowed in a creative essay, you must be careful not to take it too far.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

EssayEdge Says: This introduction is both creative and effective. It amuses the reader by listing a bizarre and probably fictitious set of achievements, thus demonstrating the writer’s imagination (and poking fun at the admissions process). At the same time, its light tone avoids sounding too obnoxious. As a note, you should remember that good use of semicolons will impress your reader: “I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees; I write award-winning operas; I manage time efficiently.”

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Action Introduction: An Action Introduction takes the reader into the middle of an action sequence. By not building up to the story, it forces the reader to read on to find out not only the significance of this moment in time, but what led up to and followed it. It is perfect for short essays where space must be conserved or for narrative essays that begin with a story.

Examples:

I promised God I would eat all my peas, but He didn’t care. A confused eleven-year-old girl, I sat and listened to my father pace. With each heavy step echoing loudly throughout the silent house, my family’s anxiety and anticipation mounted while awaiting news of my grandfather's health. My heart racing, I watched the clock, amazed that time could crawl so slowly. Finally, the telephone interrupted the house’s solemn silence. I heard my father repeating the words "yes, yes, of course." He then hung up the receiver and announced my grandfather's death and cancer's victory.

EssayEdge Says: This is the kind of introduction that will immediately intrigue your reader because it begins with a very unusual declaration. The image of a little girl eating peas and hoping to acquire God’s help is charming while hinting at the solemnity of the situation described.

Surrounded by thousands of stars, complete silence, and spectacular mountains, I stood atop New Hampshire's Presidential Range, awestruck by nature's beauty. Immediately, I realized that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes of the universe's beauty.

EssayEdge Says: The first ten words of this essay will catch your reader’s attention, mainly because they create a mental image of perfect natural beauty. Note that you should try to avoid repeating key words. In this instance, it would be easy to avoid repeating the word “beauty.” You could simply use “magnificence” or “loveliness” instead.

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Dialogue Introduction: Like the action introduction, the dialogue introduction brings the reader directly into the action, only this time in the form of dialogue. If you are writing about an influential figure in your life, you can mention a quote from this person that exemplifies the importance that he or she had on your life.

Examples:

"You must stop seeing that Russian girl, " I ordered my brother when he returned home last summer from the University of Indianapolis. Echoing the prejudiced, ignorant sentiment that I had grown up with, I believed it was wrong to become seriously involved with a person who does not follow the Hindu religion and is not a member of the Indian race.

EssayEdge Says: Multicultural awareness is a key aspect of fitting in well at a university, and admissions officers are very aware of this. Thus, it is an excellent idea to mention how you expanded your cultural sensitivity. Beginning the essay by admitting that you were once less tolerant is a compelling way to demonstrate just how much you have grown as a person.

On the verge of losing consciousness, I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" Why was I punishing my body? I had no answer; my mind blanked out from exhaustion and terror. I had no time to second-guess myself with a terrifying man leaning over my shoulder yelling: "You can break six minutes!" As flecks of spit flew from his mouth and landed on the handle bar of the ergometer, I longed to be finished with my first Saturday rowing practice and my first fifteen-hundred-meter “erg test.”

EssayEdge Says: The power of this introduction comes from its attention to detail. The question “Why am I doing this?” gains support from every horrible detail: the exhaustion, the terrifying man, and the specks of spit flying from his mouth! With such strong supporting evidence, the quotation takes on a life of its own. Your reader will find himself thinking, “Why would anyone do that? I’d like to find out…”

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Overarching Societal Statements: Rather than using a traditional thesis statement you can put forth a societal observation that ties into the theme of your essay. This can be very effective if the statement is unique and gives a glimpse into how you view the world. It can be detrimental if your statement is debatable or unclear. Make sure that if you use this form of introduction that no admissions office will take offense to it.

Examples:

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to mature immediately on the first day of ninth grade.

EssayEdge Says: Be careful not to make statements in your introduction that seem too exaggerated or unrealistic. After all, no one expects a student to immediately mature on the first day of ninth grade. Moreover, if your reader senses that you attained most of your maturity at the beginning of high school, he or she might be less than impressed with your character development. It would be better to state, “students are expected to enter a new environment in which they must function with far greater maturity.”

To this day, the United States remains driven by the American Dream, and we often hear of immigrants who come to this country to search for opportunities that their native countries lack. In these tales, immigrants succeed through hard work, dedication, and a little luck. As idealistic as the story may seem, I have been fortunate enough to experience its reality in the life of one very important man. His example has had great impact on my personal expectations and goals, and the manner in which I approach my own life.

EssayEdge Says: This is an excellent way to introduce a discussion of a person who has influenced you significantly. Instead of launching immediately into a list of this man’s excellent qualities and admirable accomplishments, this introduction lays the foundation for a comprehensive look at just why the man had such a profound impact on you. It also places the most importance on the American Dream, as is fitting in an essay like this one.

Art is a reflection of one's self-identity in the most unaffected manner. Because art is very personal, it has no right or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most is music.

EssayEdge Says: The first two sentences in this introduction set the kind of tone you want to maintain throughout your essay: introspective and creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and stilted structure in the third sentence. To keep the tone creative, you could replace that sentence with the following: “Although artistic expression can take many forms, it is music that has captivated me.”

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Personal Introduction: The Personal Introduction takes the reader directly into your mind. It says, “This is what it is like to be me. Let me take you to my little world.” Since there is a little voyeur in even the most stern admissions officer, this type of introduction can be very effective. It is always in the first person and usually takes an informal, conversational tone:

Examples:

At times, I think the world around me is crumbling to the ground, but it never does. Like most people, I face the crunches of deadlines and endless demands on my time, but I have never encountered the type of adversity that can crush people, that can drive people crazy, that can drive them to suicide.

EssayEdge Says: This introduction is indeed compelling, but it raises important questions about appropriate content. Be careful to avoid writing a personal essay that is far too personal. You do not want your reader to think that you might have character weaknesses that prevent you from handling stressful situations well.

I chuckle to myself every time I think about this. I am perceived as a mild-mannered, intelligent individual until I mention that I am involved in riflery.

EssayEdge Says: Did the first sentence of this introduction confuse you? This was no doubt its intention. By creating a little mystery in the first sentence, the reader is forced to keep reading and keep wondering, “what is this kid’s secret?” until the final word, which pops in the reader’s mind, sort of like a gunshot: “riflery.”

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Question Introduction: Many admissions essays begin with a question. While this is an easy way to begin an essay, admissions officers may perceive it as a “lazy introduction.” No one wants to read an essay that begins with such tacky material as: “To be or not to be?” or “Are you looking for an applicant who has drive and determination? Well, I’m your guy.” If you are going to use a question, make sure that it is an extremely compelling one and that your experiences provide answers.

Example:

Influence? Why is it that the people who influence us most influence us in ways that are not easily quantified? Through her work with abused children, my mother has shown me the heroism of selfless dedication to a worthy cause.

EssayEdge Says: With one word, this introduction takes an essay question about the person who has most influenced you and turns it back around to the admissions board. In effect, you are telling them that you have thought about their question thoroughly. You have thought about it for so long that you have a couple of questions of your own - questions that have sparked an interesting commentary.

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Quotation Introduction: Many writers are tempted to start their essay with a quote. You should try to resist this temptation, as most quotes will look forced. Admissions officers will be turned off if it is apparent that you searched through a book of famous quotes and came up with a quote from some famous philosopher about whom you know nothing. The quotation introduction is most effective when the quote you choose is unusual, funny, or obscure, not too long, and from those to whom you are closest. Choose a quote with a meaning you plan to reveal to the reader as the essay progresses. The admissions committee is interested in how you respond to the quote and what that response says about you.

Examples:

John F. Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." I see academics as a similar two-way interaction: in the classroom, I will do much more than take up valuable space. Because of the broad range of experiences I have had, my knowledge of many subjects is thorough. These experiences will help me perform well in any class, as I have learned how to use my time efficiently.

EssayEdge Says: This is a risky quote with which to begin an essay. After all, it is difficult to imagine a more time-worn or oft-repeated statement. However, this introduction goes on to apply this quote in a relatively unique manner. The contrast between such a standard quotation and such an interesting application will likely catch your reader’s attention.

"Experience is what you receive when you don’t get what you want." I remembered my father’s words as I tried to postpone the coming massacre. Just as during the fall of the Roman Empire, my allies became enemies and my foes turned into partners. In fast and furious action with property changing hands again and again, I rested my fate on the words of one man, hoping he would rescue me from this dangerous tailspin. Do these experts realize the heartbreak they are inflicting on my young life? While the uncertainty of tomorrow’s attire is the most pressing concern for many seventeen-year-olds, I must worry about much greater issues! It is August 31, the market is down over 300 points and the value of my stock portfolio is falling fast.

EssayEdge Says: Quoting a person with whom you enjoy a close relationship is generally preferable to quoting a famous source. This passage’s strength comes from the brief, understated role that the quote plays. The short statement introduces the rest of the paragraph and presents the fundamental point, and then the essay moves on to examine specific details. This is the ideal role of a quotation.

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Now it’s your turn. Select one of the above styles (or make up your own) and try to write an introduction to your essay. Spend some time picking the right style and choosing the best words possible.

 

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com



From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 6: Conclusions

The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or impress upon them your qualifications. Endings are the last experience an admissions officer has with your essay, so you need to make those words and thoughts count. You should not feel obligated to tie everything up into a neat bow. The essay can conclude with some ambiguity, if appropriate, as long as it offers insights. The aim is for the admissions officer to leave your essay thinking, “That was a satisfying read.” Here are some Do’s and Don’ts as you develop your conclusion.

DOs

  • Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion. This could include the following strategies:
    • Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.
    • Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.
    • End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not TRY to do this, as this approach is overdone. This should come naturally.
    • Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal.
  • Tie the conclusion back to your introduction. A nice conclusion makes use of the creativity you used in your introduction. If you used an anecdote in your intro, use the conclusion to finish telling that story.
  • Try to end on a positive note. You may want to restate your goals in terms of how they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

DON'Ts

  • Summarize. Since the essay is rather short to begin with, the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words beforehand. You do not need to wrap up your essay in a nice little package. It should be an ending, not a summary.
  • Use stock phrases. Phrases such as, “in conclusion,” “in summary,” “to conclude,” belong only in dry, scientific writing. Don’t use them.
  • Try to Explain the Unexplainable. Your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why people die or why starvation exists -- you are not writing a sitcom -- but it should forge some attempt at closure.

 

Before you move on to Chapter Seven: Editing and Revising, you should take a break. Let your draft sit for a day or two. You need to distance yourself from the piece so you can gain objectivity. If there is anything more difficult than trying to edit your own work, it is trying to edit your own work right after you have written it. Once you have let your work sit for a while, you will be better able to tackle the final steps of editing and revising.

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com



From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.



Chapter 7: Editing and Revising

The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or impress upon them your qualifications. Endings are the last experience an admissions officer has with your essay, so you need to make those words and thoughts count. You should not feel obligated to tie everything up into a neat bow. The essay can conclude with some ambiguity, if appropriate, as long as it offers insights. The aim is for the admissions officer to leave your essay thinking, “That was a satisfying read.” Here are some Do’s and Don’ts as you develop your conclusion.

DOs

  • Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion. This could include the following strategies:
    • Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.
    • Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.
    • End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not TRY to do this, as this approach is overdone. This should come naturally.
    • Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal.
  • Tie the conclusion back to your introduction. A nice conclusion makes use of the creativity you used in your introduction. If you used an anecdote in your intro, use the conclusion to finish telling that story.
  • Try to end on a positive note. You may want to restate your goals in terms of how they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

DON'Ts

  • Summarize. Since the essay is rather short to begin with, the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words beforehand. You do not need to wrap up your essay in a nice little package. It should be an ending, not a summary.
  • Use stock phrases. Phrases such as, “in conclusion,” “in summary,” “to conclude,” belong only in dry, scientific writing. Don’t use them.
  • Try to Explain the Unexplainable. Your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why people die or why starvation exists -- you are not writing a sitcom -- but it should forge some attempt at closure.

 

Before you move on to Chapter Seven: Editing and Revising, you should take a break. Let your draft sit for a day or two. You need to distance yourself from the piece so you can gain objectivity. If there is anything more difficult than trying to edit your own work, it is trying to edit your own work right after you have written it. Once you have let your work sit for a while, you will be better able to tackle the final steps of editing and revising.

Veritas Admissions Consulting - Veritas features former admissions officers at top 10 business schools to help you prepare your application and essays.

Visit EssayEdge, Essay Edge.coma for all your essay editing needs.
150 free sample essaysa - from Essay Edge.com



From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.  Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.





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