800score.com Essay Grading Service Sample Essay
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Question Stem:
It is more important to use your own judgment than to follow the advice of experts.

It is important to both use your own judgment and to listen to experts.  In my experience experts can be helpful when you are needing expert advice such as a medical opinion, or financial advice.  But it is also important to do what you think is right.
(While it is a good idea to give a balanced introduction, where you introduce both sides, after reading your intro, I'm not sure what your position is.  You should be very clear in your intro about what your central argument is.)

In my experience as a jewelry salesperson, I have found that people who are called experts do not always know what they are talking about.  So called experts often want to sell something, so their advice isn't always the best for the consumer.  In one jewelry store I used to work in they wanted us to give advice to the customers that wasn't totally accurate, or only tell them certain things if they asked. We would have to tell them that jewelry that wasn't that well made was actually really well made.
(Good job using an example, and this is a relevant one.  But, it is important that when you use examples that you are very clear about what point they are illustrating.  What is the underlying argument beneath the example?  Why is this a particularly good example? After reading your paragraph, I think your main point is that it is important to make your own choices, because people who are experts may not have our best interest at heart.  You'd want to explicitly say something like this, ideally in your first sentence in this paragraph.)  


People that are called experts are not always really that expert.  (I like how you state your underlying argument in your first sentence.  This makes it very clear what you will go on to discuss.) Who gets to decide if they are experts?  We don't know if the advice of experts is really that good.  Will an "expert" really have good advice? How do we know if it is good advice? 
(If you use questions it is important to answer them yourself, or to state why these questions are proving the point you wish to make.  Also, this argument is very similar to the argument in your first body paragraph. Ideally arguments will be a bit ! more different. You'd also want to be sure to connect the argument in this paragraph with your overarching argument for your whole essay. It would also be a good idea to be a bit more specific.  Perhaps an example would strengthen your argument.)  

Overall, experts are not always that expert.  We don't know if they are qualified to give their opinions and don't know if we should follow them.  It is also complicated because experts sometimes want to sell you something, and don't always give you the best advice.  
(This conclusion could be a bit more focused on the essay topic.   In this paragraph you st! ated what your arguments were, but didnt' discuss why they support your overall conclusion.  And you'd want to be more explicit about what your overall argument is.)
 

Scoring Report:
Structure: 4 I like how you used a 5 paragraph structure with an intro, 2 body paragraphs and a conclusion. I would like to see your body paragraphs stating your underlying argument in your first sentence.

Content: 3 You have the beginnings of some strong arguments.  But the organization could be better.  I would suggest outlining before you begin, where you think of 2 or 3 arguments for your overall essay. This should help you formulate stronger examples. 

Style: 4 A bit vague at times. 

Overall Score: 3 1/2
 
This is a good start.  Some more practice at developing more fully developing your arguments should help you improve future scores!


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